" Shake, Rattle and Roll ... "

I get over the hill and way down underneath
I get over the hill and way down underneath
You make me roll my eyes, even make me grit my teeth
I said shake, rattle and roll, shake, rattle and roll
Shake, rattle and roll, shake, rattle and roll
Well, you won't do nothin' to save your doggone soul
Shake, rattle and roll!

~ Bill Haley ~ Shake, Rattle and Roll ~

***

Last week was a challenging one ... I had another diagnostic test followed with routine labwork done ... and then a review my results with my family doctor.  The good news my lump is smaller by 35% and my lab work is great.  Yet my doctor had an associate in the room and both expressed their “concern”.  Without getting into details, I received pressure to follow the aggressive treatment plan presented here a year ago.  They basically don’t believe in my treatment, it’s been over a year, and I think they feel that it is taking to long and time is of the essence.  

So I heard the same words and got the same looks.  

And it shook and rattle me to my core, AGAIN.

I thought I was stronger than this ... so it has brought up loads of negative emotions.  Enormous fear and intense sadness followed.  I told Russell I haven’t felt like this since my diagnosis back in February of last year.  And then anger ... how could I let this affect me, I thought I was stronger than this ... and then exhaustion.  I am tired.  Tired of the looks that I am crazy, tired of the pity, tired of the disbelief, tired of the lack of recognition that I truly am in a treatment ... once again, I felt like I had to justify my position by flying my Gerson flag.

And if I am being completely honest, I had expectations walking into the docs office.  I was expecting my doctors to be elated.  I was expecting a pat on the back.  “Good Job girl!”  So I was ill-prepared to deal with the reaction.  And it fed my fears.  You know that little voice inside of us, that little voice of doubt ... it got louder and louder and I started asking myself, am I doing the right thing?  am I crazy? am I off the mark here? am I going to die?

Thankfully I have amazing family and friends in my life ... guiding me as I lose my way.  And I sure did lose my way.  

So where am I today ... well, I am still on the Gerson Therapy - Month 15.  And I realize that I was looking for confirmation from places I won’t get it ... I need to continue to align myself with a medical team that takes the time to understand my treatment and then guide me on my current journey.  My Gerson doctors continue to be fully onboard ... monitoring and adjusting my treatment based on my results.  

I thought it was interesting that I had to re-read some of my blog entries just to get through some very troubling moments this past week ... and I recognize that I will have to continue to deal with the eternal conflict between my head filled with fear and my heart filled with love.  

The greatest mistake you can make in life 

... is to be continually fearing you will make one 

~ Elbert Hubbard

"Work It ..."

"Is it worth it, let me work it...
I put my bang down, flip it and reverse it...
If you got a big deal, let me search it...
I'd like to get to know ya so I could show ya...

Just make sure you ahead of the game..."

~ Missy Elliott ~ Work It ~

***

Yesterday I looked at the calendar and the weeks I have been on the Gerson Therapy ~ finishing off week 29 yesterday and starting WEEK 30 today.  Yep, completed 29 weeks ~204 days ~ 4,896 hours ~ 293,760 minutes ... and counting!  Since the inception of the programme there has been a few changes in regards to the reduction of medication and coffee "treatments", and the addition of certain foods again.  But really the changes have been physical ~ my energy levels are better, my skin tone is better (carrot glow y'all), and my body has changed.  There has been a significant shift in the last couple of weeks.  It is hard to describe but I what I can say is that I feel like I am truly healing.  One of the naturopath's I have been seeing said to me last week that "Once you start living your life instead of preventing your death, healing begins".  And it struck a cord, an aha! moment ... now I think I have already adopted that attitude, and have had to in a way due to the severity of the situation, but it is interesting when someone else says it to you in a way that just makes sense.  Hopefully it does for those of you that are reading this.  

Every day I work my programme.  I don't know how else to explain it - not much changes in the routine ... I am still on 13 fresh juices on the hour, every hour ... I am still on 4 coffee enemas ... I am still have oatmeal with fruit for breakfast ... I am still eating the special Hippocrates soup, baked potatoes and veggies for lunch AND dinner ... I am still on castor oil twice a week ... I am still on the Gerson medications combined with herbal and homeopath meds.  My days still begin at 6:30AM and end at 8:30PM ... I do have time between 9:30am and Noon & 2:30pm and 5:00pm for phone/personal visits, yoga, walks, meditation, blogging, and writing ~ staying pretty close to home though.  My day continues to be very structured, and I really don't mind the routine because I know what is coming and so does my body.  This is the biggest job in my life, my pivotal moment ... to heal my body.  

If you think about it we plan a great deal in our lives .... school, vacations, celebrations, investments ... yet if we don't really plan how to truly take care of ourselves ~ our bodies, our minds ~ the rest may never come.  This is not to be pessimistic, but merrily going along, going thru the motions, thinking that we will never get sick, nothing bad will happen and it won't be me, is probably not the best approach.  That is the approach I had.  I NEVER thought I would be in the situation I am in now, battling cancer.  Yet as I have said before, this is truly a blessing in my life.  Really because, I was so detailed oriented, so focused on the small stuff, and missing out on the big picture.  That has completely changed now.  And maybe this is all happening because I had to stop "sweating the small stuff".  My mind was cluttered with detail conversations about "stuff" ~ what she did, why he did that, what did that really mean ... and internally feeling like it was "all happening to me" because I just wasn't good enough.  A very familiar pattern of thinking in my life ... a pattern that has now thankfully ended.  Ended because over the last 29 weeks I have worked really hard to understand and make those changes.  

When we create harmony in our own minds and hearts, we find it in our lives.  And sometimes it takes the earth to move, or the rug to be pulled beneath us, or the universe to make us just stop for this to happen.  The signs are always there, but when your head is buried in the details, you miss it.  So if you can, take a moment to just be present, and open yourself up to these signs.  You will know what they are ... if things don't feel right, don't ignore it, act on it now.  Don't wait for a painful defining moment in your life to force you to make those changes.  Trust me, I know. 

 ♥ Heal your past, Live your present, Dream your future ♥

"Exposure ..."

"Exposure
Space is what I need

it's what I feed on
Exposure
Out in the open..."

~ Peter Gabriel ~ Exposure ~

***

I guess it is safe to say that when you blog about your life, you open yourself up to being overexposed.  I started this blog a long time prior to my cancer diagnosis when I started up a walking club called WalkStrong.  And walking strong we were.  As life evolves, and shit happens, it has now become my soapbox, so that I can express, rant, rave, advice, ponder, and share all that is going on in my life.  

In one of my last posts, "Point of View", I wrote about my recent test results after being on the Gerson therapy for almost 6 months.  I remember when I blogged, I thought to myself, "am I providing a bit too much information?", "are there too many details I am sharing?", and "should I really post this?".  And you know what they say, go with your gut ... what you intuition is saying to you ... your inner voice.    

You see, I have had many people write me emails and tell me in person that I have inspired them, that they are proud of me as to how I am handling the biggest challenge of my life, and thanking me for being so real, so vulnerable and speaking my truth.  And for this, I want to give oceans of gratitude back to you.  You really have no idea how those words, written or verbal, have got me thru this year.  Yet recently, after I wrote the details of my last round of test results, the feedback I got has fed my greatest fears.  I "expected" a wee bit of a celebration, more "yahoo", more "way to go M".  And, I guess as I wrote in my previous blog, it is all about point of views, opinions, perspective and really everyone is entitled to their own.  I can read into words, or what tones their voices take, or see into their eyes and try to "read" what they feel, but really it doesn't help anyone, especially not me.  And to be completely honest, I thought I was strong enough to handle all of "this" too, but I'm not.  

So I will continue to merrily blog as usual ~ express, rant, rave, advice, ponder, and share all that is going on in my life ~ but will keep the "details" of test results and sorts out.  But I am very open to anyone that is considering the Gerson therapy and needs some information.  Just contact me directly.  
Oh and no worries, I'll still be aiming to write a kick-ass blog, just wiser!  

Again I want thank EVERYONE for their continuous love and apologize if I have overexposed myself during this difficult time.  I hope it has not caused any discomfort to anyone as I always come from a place of compassion.