" Challenging Me … "

This fortune brought to you,

Is it worth the pain, the suffering?

Would you rather work sparingly without the stress

or is there such a thing?

Pray hard sing out loud!

I wonder if you'll bother me

I'm twisting back and forth

My eyes are burning stronger now ...

Challenging me...Should I give up everything?

should I give up everything?

~ Chris Park ~ Challenging Me ~ 

***

That moment when you have that sinking feeling ... it’s happening again ... but when challenges occur, we have a choice to rise up and reveal the resilience within us.

During crisis, we often admire others that seem to act with ease and do or say the right things.  Because it is not only the hardship that they have endured, but the way they have chosen to manage their feelings and emotions about it.  And more importantly, their view of themselves has little, if any, ring of victim hood in it.

The greatest of accomplishments often have come with 

a heavy dose of resilience ... 

Our history is the best indicator of how well we can fare with resilience.  Yet when we reflect on the past, we tend to focus on the negatives and rarely look for the opportunities to grow.  NOW is the chance to seek the lesson in each moment.

Learning isn’t just about repeating failures, with only the pain as the byproduct ... it is about choosing response versus reaction to bring the desired results ...

When we accept the situation as is, and the lesson at its core, we begin to find the wisdom in it.  When we ask who, what, when and how, we take the next steps for healing because we move out of resistance, which blinds vision.

I believe we are deeply interconnected.  Hence by surrendering to what is, we realize we are helping heal the collective through our own growth.

Trust your life situation, at a soul level, to be purposeful ... the sad, the bad, the scary and even the ugly are all hidden with joy, happiness, surprises and miracles.

“Challenges are what make life interesting 

and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.” 

☯ Joshua J. Marine ☯

" Fear ... "

Morning smiles 

Like the face of a newborn child 

Innocent unknowing 

Winter's end 

Promises of a long lost friend 

Speaks to me of comfort 

But I fear 

I have nothing to give 

I have so much to lose 

Here in this lonely place 

Tangled up in our embrace 

There's nothing I'd like 

Better than to fall 

But I fear I have nothing to give ...

~ Sarah McLachlan ~ Fear ~

***

FEAR ... it can be controlling, it can be paralyzing and it can keep you from living the life of your dreams.  It has only been with my practice of mindfulness I have come to recognize the fear within me and the process of facing it.

I have been sitting in meditation, watching my fears arise and learning to allow them to become part of the stories that make up my life ... I observe them instead of reacting to them.  I have felt how they manifest in my body and move into physical discomfort.  I have have not allowed myself that before and it takes getting use to be in a that space.

Upon reflection, there were certain activities, compulsive and addictive in nature, that kept me in a place of fear.  I would overeat.  I would search the fridge to fill my stomach up and create a fullness in the exact place that fear was beginning to dig a deeper and deeper hole inside of me.  And if that didn’t satisfy, I would sit in the comfiest chair and mindlessly watch re-runs of my favorite shows to vanish into TV land.  Yet probably the most addictive activity is surfing the net.  Hours upon hours of faceless interaction, hiding behind my keyboard and keystrokes ... a few pokes, comments and incessantly checking of my homepage, I would continually stare at a glowing screen as the minutes tick by, unable to disconnect myself from the cyber world and face the fear of being alone with my self-pity and self-hatred.

Consciously taking the role of the observer, I realize most of my fear-based suffering begins by creating stories in my head.  Therefore taking the time to sit, reflect and watch what comes up allows me to choose if I want to be an active participant.  Accept that in order to become more mindful, we must recognize that we are solely responsible for the thoughts our minds produce.  While we can’t stop our minds completely, we can take control over them and create moments of peace for ourselves.

The following technique has helped me when thoughts or fear arise:

• Stop
• Take a long, deep breath in and out
• Next, use all your senses ... feel, smell, touch, see, taste the present moment
• Keep coming back to recognize the breath as it will give you the control you need to stay in the now
• Continue until you feel that the thought or story has moved on or has dissipated

The idea is to take back control of you mind.  And the more you practice, the better you will get in stopping the stories in your head and the pull to distract yourself from all the pain they cause you.  

The more I explore fear the more I realize to overcome it I have to be prepared and willing to redefine myself ... and keep practicing.  No one can do it of me and the more I get use to it, the more naturally it becomes.  With the discomfort and vulnerability comes peace and miraculous solutions as I surrender to the fear and release what no longer serves me ... 

" In Between ... "

Let me apologize to begin with

Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed

And somehow I got caught up in between

Between my pride and my promise

Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come

The only thing that's worse than one is none

And I cannot explain to you

In anything I say or do or plan

Fear is not afraid of you

Guilt's a language you can understand

I cannot explain to you

In anything I say or do

I hope the actions speak the words they can ...

~ Linkin Park ~ In Between ~

***

There are times on this wellness journey that I just have to “sit in the fire”.  I have to surrender ... to the physical pain, and to the emotional turmoil.  I have talked about some of the healing reactions in the past, and am now experiencing more, yet again.

What hasn’t changed is every single time, my faith is tested.  Actually, my faith is tested every day if I am truly honest.  I have so many moments of not knowing.  Not knowing if this is the beginning of the end.  If this truly is how it is going to be.  If things are ever going to get better.  So I am learning to allow myself to sit in the fire ... surrender and accept what is happening in my life.  Rather than participating in the internal conflict my body is enduring, I realize that resistance is futile.  

Not to be mistaken for giving up ... it is relinquishing ... the fear, the heartache, the sadness.  It is realizing that I may have to let go and let be.  Not a battle, not a fight but a journey.  Yes it is hard, so so hard.  And there are days that I am not sure if I can.  I talk often to Russell about being tired.  So tired.  Just wanting to move on with our lives ... not a strict schedule, planning every hour and every meal.  Just wishing for the flexibility, and the ease of what life was.

Of course I know things could be worse.  Much worse.  And yes there are days that is some consolation.  But when you are sitting in the fire there is discomfort, pain, a sense of loss.  And  I am realizing that my mind is so powerful.  It is waiting for the self-doubt to kick in and BAM! ... it takes over.  Ready to led me down a path of destruction.  It is ready to tell me ... “I told you so” or “who are you kidding”.  It is armed with intense negativity and it is dangerous.

I know I have to work hard with balance ... with negative comes the positive, with the darkness comes the light.  I have to go back and remember in all the fires I have sat in, all the challenges and fears I have faced.  Acknowledging the incredible discomfort, yet getting through it.  I managed and survived.  

What is true is that in my experience of being with those feelings, identifying the thoughts that are creating the feelings and loving them is how it eases.  My present thoughts pave my future.  Life continually presents me with opportunities to dive in again and again, and to believe that the truth really is kinder than any story I have about it ... 

the past is where you learned the lesson ...

the future is where you apply the lesson ... 

just remember not to give up in the middle ॐ

" Heal The World ... "

"There Are Ways
To Get There
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Little Space
Make A Better Place...

Heal The World
Make It A Better Place
For You And For Me"

~ Michael Jackson ~ Heal The World ~

***

Recently, I read about Dr. Bernie Siegel.  For some this name may sound familiar ... Dr. Siegel is a physician who has cared for and counseled countless terminally ill patients.  He embraces a philosophy that bridges medicine and spirituality.  And although he has a few best-selling books, I am intrigued by his book titled Accept, Retreat & Surrender: How to Heal Yourself.  Heal Yourself resonates quite nicely with me, but I was curious of the acceptance, retreat and surrender aspect.  

For me, now, I look at my illness as an opportunity.  What am I to learn from this dis-ease and where do I start.  Knowledge is power right? ... so I have been super keen to learn as much as I can.  According to 

Dr. Siegel he asks the question "What approach should you take to your illness?" and has three words of advice .. Accept ~ Retreat ~ Surrender.  He says those words might scare us if we were inexperienced, but according to him, those that have employed these tactics have won great battles.  

Acceptance ...  Dr. Siegel says we need to accept our situation if we want to be empowered to change it.  He doesn't mean we need to accept any particular outcome of a dis-ease, but need to accept that the dis-ease exists in our lives and that we are a participant.  Once we accept that the dis-ease or other misfortune has become a part of our lives, we can eliminate or alter it.  We cannot play a part in changing it and our lives if we avoid, deny or feel hopeless.  Accepting the situation does not mean accepting someone else's prediction about what will happen to you.  No one knows what your future will hold ... the best course is accepting that you have problems while denying anyone's predictions about how the situation will turn out.  My favourite saying .. "Individuals are not statics".

 

Retreat ... retreat does not mean withdraw.  According to the wise doctor "retreat means withdrawing to a quiet place where you can be aware of your thoughts and feelings. The quiet place may be anywhere; the source of true peace and quiet are inside you. In my retreat I withdraw from all the demands of life, but at the same time I am fully alive to myself and my loved ones. I do not always retreat alone. I can retreat with those who are close to me so that we can heal our forces and prepare to take on life when our retreat is over. When we return we are ready to fight for our lives".  We need this space, this withdrawal as a time to restore and heal ourselves.

Surrender ... not to the outcomes but to the events.  Dr. Siegel says we waste so much energy fighting the nature of life.  "Accept the nature of life and surrender to it".  When we do, we will have peace.  When our energy is restored, we stop fighting things we cannot control, and we start re-building our lives.  He says "Surrender is not about doing nothing; it is about doing the right things".  Surrendering allows us to continue to receive and repair, to let go of the pain, fear and worries and welcome joy, love and gratitude in our lives.  

We continue to learn and heal ourselves as our journey never ends ... above are a few thoughts to help us deal with adversity, misfortune and in extreme situations, illnesses.  I believe we can play an integral part by choosing to be a participant and not a spectator.

"Diseases can be our spiritual flat tires ... Disruptions in our lives that seem to be disasters at the time, but end by redirecting our lives in a meaningful way"

- Bernie S. Siegel