" So Small … "

What you got if you ain't got love
The kind that you just want to give away
It's ok to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem
So small

~ Carrie Underwood ~ So Small ~
***

Ever think about the first time you ever felt small?  You know an activity where you weren’t included, or bullied, or a time when something was said to you that ingrained itself into your moral fiber.  But what if what was said was just words and meant nothing?  What you were the one responsible for how you feel?  What if you are the one that gave them your consent?

We all know people who feel included by knowing rumours, empowered by knowing more information, and feel big by making someone else feel or look small in front of others.  

We all know people who don’t have a genuine belief in others, assume people can’t instead of can, assume people won’t rather than will, and see problems instead of potential.

And just think about the self talk.  What are we constantly telling ourselves?  What tapes keep running?  What movies are on replay?  Evaluating our self talk may be a start to not allowing ourselves to treat ourselves smaller.  As with all insecurities, thought patterns and habits take a lot of work, practice, and self-forgiveness to teach yourself to genuinely see your own awesomeness. For some of us it will be our life’s work.

Personally this is a struggle.  I have to work very hard not to give into every opportunity to criticize myself.  I am trying to give myself space before reacting, and see whether I can resolve it alone before asking for reassurance.  A very different approach but looking for better results.  I remind myself that I am loved, I am worthy and that I have my own strengths and own beauty ... and that everything gets easier with practice, even resisting the urge to make myself feel smaller.

" Ask ... "

" Shyness is nice, and
Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You'd like to

So, if there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try

Ask Me, I won't say "No" - How Could I?"

~ The Smiths ~ Ask ~

***

I had another great week full of visits from some beautiful girlfriends ... time to connect and re-connect.  They took the time, made the effort and reached out.  Loved, supported and blessed ... Yet, if I am honest, during my Gerson journey, I haven't felt like that all the time.  It's not like it isn't around me, everyday, of course it is  ... but am I am open to receive it?  Ding, Ding, Ding ... yep a HUGE realization for me.  So, I shared this with one of my friends today and I was excited to find out that we had another thing in common ... we are both givers, and have a hard time asking.  Once we connected on this, we both agreed that we were sooooo ready to receive ~ emotionally and spiritually.  But how?

You see I have always been one to give, I love to give.  Just ask my lovelies how much I love birthdays, celebrations, gatherings and christmas.  Le sigh .... such fun gifting.  And with no expectations.  Yet I use to put so much effort into giving, leaving very little energy to asking.  So what I was receiving was not necessarily what I needed especially at that moment, when I needed it the most.  

What do I need, what do I want and how do I ask .... I know that some of you reading this can completely relate.  My head full of random thoughts, I started wondering why I had such a hard time "asking".  Specifically asking for help.  Recently someone said to me ... "oh you are so strong, you are going to get through this no problem ... I am not worried about you".  And instead of being elated by the vote of confidence, I cried.  Why?  Because at the moment, inside, I didn't feel that strong, and the inner child just wanted someone to say "I know this is hard, and I know that you can do this ... but I also know that sometimes you may think you can't ... those times, I am here for you".  

Now I have expressed to family and friends that I had an "emo" moment, and usually the response is, "why didn't you call me?" ... good question, why didn't I.  I guess because of programming.  Being brought up to not air your dirty laundry, because someone will use it against you one day .... or not to show your weakness, because someone will laugh at you ... and the truth is we all experience this.  But how damaged we are from this shapes our behaviour.  We have all been there when we have shared too much, felt a bit embarassed or humbled after the fact ... wondering, what that person will think of them.  But going back to being authentic, knowing your truth and lifting the disguise ... the key is choosing who you do this with.  

From experience, I realize that I use to ask for help in all the wrong places ... looking for assistance AND affirmation from persons that were so into themselves, that felt pity, not empathy, enjoyed the chaos instead of calming it down ... felt better when I felt worse.  And each time I got nothing, felt vulnerable and empty ... and hurt, I closed off ... deciding that "it's a cruel world" and I am not going to put myself out there .... but now I realize that I was asking from those that had nothing to give because they were only in the habit of taking, and taking more.  Energy suckers ... watch out!  there are loads of them ... and in the end, you miss out, depriving yourself.

So where do we go from here?  Well with awareness comes the opportunity to learn, change, to grow.  Wanting more out of my relationships, I am learning, once again ... to ask.  And realizing that asking is not the same as a burden.  Knowing that it is okay to ask from my treasured family and friends who are waiting in the wings to give.  Recognizing who is in it for the long haul, through this difficult time, who I can count on, and who wants nothing in return but for me to be around a wee bit longer.  

And, especially opening myself up to the blessings above ... asking above to give only what I can handle, and what I can gracefully deal with ... and helping me to create the space to be ready to receive.