" Rejection ... "

Aaaaaaaaha rejection

Aaaaaaaaha possession

I spent so much energy
On the frantic rivery
I should start on my grace ...
Can't you see ther's nothing more about me
Now it's time to seek and try to find a way ...
Before you turn your back on me I wanna get my energy

~ Martin Solveig ~ Rejection ~

***

Rejection is responsible for some pretty painful memories.  And it is unavoidable when dealing with other humans.  So instead of hiding from rejection, I realized it was time to learn how to handle it.

Once again fear comes up ... the fear of rejection and why we are so afraid.  And really that nasty voice in your head is just trying to protect you from repeating the same mistake ... maybe it is rejection by the world that you experience once before or maybe it is the public shame of being turned down.  

The reason rejection is so painful is that our minds start to jump to conclusions.  So it is important to think about why you were rejected instead of taking things personally.  Just think about all the times you have rejected people ... not on purpose, assuming they’ll understand because you know it wasn’t personal ... you were busy, distracted, had a lot going on.

Really ... rejection sucks and there is no other way of saying it.  And there are those who will never suffer from rejection but they never try, they never dare, they never step out of their comfort zone ... choice pain of rejection of pain of mediocrity, pain regardless.  Plus all of us want to be “liked” but statistics show that one in ten people won’t like us regardless what we do.  

So we know we can’t really avoid rejection ... but we can decide how we handle it.  And of course, rejection is a part of ... you guessed it, growth.  It helps you develop as a person, it helps you uncover blind spots and learn more about yourself.

Personally I now anticipate rejection.  It challenges me to set a high benchmark to what I do.  It forces me to push my boundaries.  It drives me to become better and not procrastinate.  In life the are always going to be naysayers so focus on the things you can action on and empower yourself.  Because there is always a reason behind the rejection.  So when it happens again ask yourself ... what can you do about it?  what have you learned about it?  how are you going to apply what you've learned?  what are you next steps?

Affirmation: rejection is a step forward to knowing what others want, what's out there in the reality, and how to improve myself to achieve my goals ... 

" Roll The Credit ... "

I know you directed it.

I'm sure I produced a bit.

So why is that chick stealing my show?

Roll the credits.

Yea yea ...

I know you directed it.

I'm sure I produced a bit.

I thought you were meant for me.

My name should be on that screen.

We weren't even at the end, but you started auditioning.

And let somebody star in my show ...

~ Paula Deanda ~ Roll The Credits ~

***

Do you have an insatiable need for credit?  Do you crave approval?  Do you fear rejection? ... I guess during some moments in our lives we can identify with these questions and respond yes, but when you mainly rely on other people to satisfy your emotional needs then it could be a sign of insecurity.

And here’s the ultimate catch ... the need for credit and approval robs you of your freedom.  I spent most of my life seeking until I realized that it didn’t work.  Sadly the desire to get people to like me motivated the majority of my choices and actions earlier in life.  This held me back as I constantly worried about what others thought of me and feared criticism.

Those who know me know that I have always been a high achiever ... and at times, I have compromised my health, my relationships, my profession.  This need resulted in doing too much and feeling anxious, worried, trying to please all, making no time for me, working to hard and being unable to say no.  I was spending a lot of time on things I didn’t enjoy and developing habits that hindered my performance.

Doing what is right or what is expected instead of what you want.  Recently I had a family member ask me “what does it matter what others think if you are confident in where you are”.  And I guess that was the key.  The confidence.  If falters and sways, often.  And those are the times when not only I take on a new task but I look for way to get my gold star.  

I want “them” to be proud ... I want “them” to be in awe,  I want “them” to be inspired.  I want them to “okay” it so IF anything does go wrong, well “they” gave their stamp of approval so I wasn’t the only one who made a mistake, I wasn’t alone ... 

wow, what a revelation ... trusting myself is challenging.

Moving through the process ... 

I started a self-appreciation journal where I acknowledge the things that I am most proud of about myself ~ insights I have learned, times I have stayed true to myself and even things I like about me.  It helps to see things in writing ... it feels more permanent, more real.  And I am very aware of how I speak to myself or self-talk.  I practice compassion first and foremost, and check in with myself often.  My meditation practice have been integral in this.  Yet probably most importantly, I am honest with myself when I take on something new ... I ask is this right for me or do I just want to get credit and approval to avoid disappointments.

It is important not to confuse receiving love and approval with having personal worth.  If you base your value as a human on others approval of you, you are telling yourself that you have to earn self-worth and value.  Accept yourself for who you are because other people’s love for you and approval of you is not based on what you had perceived to be your necessary perfection.

" The Look of Love ... "

When your world is full of strange arrangements 

And gravity won't pull you through 

You know you're missing out on something 

Well that something depends on you ... 

That's the look, that's the look 

The look of love ...

Then your dreams fall apart at the seams 

Your reason for living's your reason for leaving 

Don't ask me what it means 

Who's got the look? I don't know the answer to that question 

Where's the look? if I knew I would tell you 

What's the look? look for your information 

Yes there's one thing, the one thing that still holds true ...

That's the look, that's the look 

The look of love 

~ ABC ~ The Look of Love ~ 

***

Last night at a social gathering I experienced some interesting dialogue.  Having had some rough days and months past, dialogue I was more aware of.  While my outer appearance was calm, cool and collective, my inside was of another variety.  Again, having had some rough days and months ... if they only knew.

Picture this ....

Person: “you look pretty good”

Me (outside): “thank-you, that is very kind of you

Me (inside): “actually, I feel pretty bad”

Person: “keep up the good work”

Me (outside): smile, “thanks”

Me (inside): “it sure does feel like work all the time”

Person: “you’ve lost weight, what is your secret?”

Me (outside): “thanks, healthy eating”

Me (inside): “you have noooo idea”

Person: “aren’t you going to have dinner or are you on a diet?”

Me (outside): “oh, I’ve already eaten thanks”

Me (inside): “you have noooo idea”

And it goes on ... you get the idea.  I realized as well that once again, just when you think EVERYONE knows what you are going through, they don’t.  And it’s not because they don’t care, but because they themselves have their own challenges they are dealing with.  And right then and there you realize ... your life does only revolve around you.

I will admit I was bit tired by those that did know and how uncomfortable it still makes them.  When you they ask you “how are you doing”, they really don’t want to hear that inside voice in your head, the honest one, the vulnerable one.  Mainly because that would be uncomfortable to hear.  How many people truly know how to cope, manage or deal with another person’s adversity?  When the response is something other than what they expect, what are they suppose to do with it?

Since my diagnosis, I have had friends that have vanished, or maybe a nicer way of saying it ... “are soooo busy”.  And it is not because they don’t care, it’s because they don’t know how to deal with it.  It makes them uncomfortable dealing with the idea of mortality, mine or their own.  Oddly enough, it doesn’t go away because it is the elephant in the room, causing each subsequent conversation to get more and more difficult.

The look, your look says a lot about you.  But we can all fake it and most of the time we do.  We look the part and act the part but do we really feel the part??  Aha ... yeah, that is the key.  Working on what is going on inside.  And while we are all “strive to survive”, sometimes survival is acting the part so that we can make do.  Just think if we went to work and really acted how we were feeling ... chances are, we'd be unemployed and probably be escorted to the nearest mental health office for “assistance”.  But I'm pretty sure we'd have a great deal of company.

Of course if we need professional help we should seek it.  Yet sometimes we just need someone to listen to what our hearts are saying.  Instinctively, I feel we really do know when others are in pain, suffering and in need of help.  It is whether we chose to do something about it or just ignore it.  

Active Compassion versus Passive Empathy ...

When you read between the lines, understand another's pain and suffering and act on it with assistance ... that is active compassion.  When you feel sorry for someone, wish them the best but don’t get involved, and are happy it isn’t you ... that is passive empathy or pity.  There is a difference.  A big difference ... compassion creates connections where pity creates distance.

Compassion becomes active when it is worked like a muscle ...

“Every moment offers us a chance to be gentle instead of sharp, thoughtful instead of insensitive.  Making compassion an automatic response, by directing consistent attention and effort in every situation is to consciously practice incorporating it into our lives.  But we must choose to naturally sink into a rhythm of words and behaviors that reflect this loving kindness in everything we do”.

" Ask ... "

" Shyness is nice, and
Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You'd like to

So, if there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try

Ask Me, I won't say "No" - How Could I?"

~ The Smiths ~ Ask ~

***

I had another great week full of visits from some beautiful girlfriends ... time to connect and re-connect.  They took the time, made the effort and reached out.  Loved, supported and blessed ... Yet, if I am honest, during my Gerson journey, I haven't felt like that all the time.  It's not like it isn't around me, everyday, of course it is  ... but am I am open to receive it?  Ding, Ding, Ding ... yep a HUGE realization for me.  So, I shared this with one of my friends today and I was excited to find out that we had another thing in common ... we are both givers, and have a hard time asking.  Once we connected on this, we both agreed that we were sooooo ready to receive ~ emotionally and spiritually.  But how?

You see I have always been one to give, I love to give.  Just ask my lovelies how much I love birthdays, celebrations, gatherings and christmas.  Le sigh .... such fun gifting.  And with no expectations.  Yet I use to put so much effort into giving, leaving very little energy to asking.  So what I was receiving was not necessarily what I needed especially at that moment, when I needed it the most.  

What do I need, what do I want and how do I ask .... I know that some of you reading this can completely relate.  My head full of random thoughts, I started wondering why I had such a hard time "asking".  Specifically asking for help.  Recently someone said to me ... "oh you are so strong, you are going to get through this no problem ... I am not worried about you".  And instead of being elated by the vote of confidence, I cried.  Why?  Because at the moment, inside, I didn't feel that strong, and the inner child just wanted someone to say "I know this is hard, and I know that you can do this ... but I also know that sometimes you may think you can't ... those times, I am here for you".  

Now I have expressed to family and friends that I had an "emo" moment, and usually the response is, "why didn't you call me?" ... good question, why didn't I.  I guess because of programming.  Being brought up to not air your dirty laundry, because someone will use it against you one day .... or not to show your weakness, because someone will laugh at you ... and the truth is we all experience this.  But how damaged we are from this shapes our behaviour.  We have all been there when we have shared too much, felt a bit embarassed or humbled after the fact ... wondering, what that person will think of them.  But going back to being authentic, knowing your truth and lifting the disguise ... the key is choosing who you do this with.  

From experience, I realize that I use to ask for help in all the wrong places ... looking for assistance AND affirmation from persons that were so into themselves, that felt pity, not empathy, enjoyed the chaos instead of calming it down ... felt better when I felt worse.  And each time I got nothing, felt vulnerable and empty ... and hurt, I closed off ... deciding that "it's a cruel world" and I am not going to put myself out there .... but now I realize that I was asking from those that had nothing to give because they were only in the habit of taking, and taking more.  Energy suckers ... watch out!  there are loads of them ... and in the end, you miss out, depriving yourself.

So where do we go from here?  Well with awareness comes the opportunity to learn, change, to grow.  Wanting more out of my relationships, I am learning, once again ... to ask.  And realizing that asking is not the same as a burden.  Knowing that it is okay to ask from my treasured family and friends who are waiting in the wings to give.  Recognizing who is in it for the long haul, through this difficult time, who I can count on, and who wants nothing in return but for me to be around a wee bit longer.  

And, especially opening myself up to the blessings above ... asking above to give only what I can handle, and what I can gracefully deal with ... and helping me to create the space to be ready to receive.