" Slow Down ... "

“ ... Slow down, baby, now you're movin' way too fast

Baby what you're tryin' to do?

You better slow down!

Baby, now you're movin' way too fast ... 

Slow down, baby, now you're movin' way too fast ... “

~ The Beatles ~ Slow Down ~

***

There is something to be said for being viewed as “so strong”.  For the past five years, specifically since this cancer diagnosis, others tell me how strong I am, how brave I am, how courageous I am ... so what happens when the strong, courageous & brave get sick?  ... ah wait for it ... crickets.

... I’ve never met a strong person with an easy past ...

This year I completed my yoga teacher training.  It took most of the first quarter of 2015 and was really something that I did for me.  The training was phenomenal and intense.  I found myself along side twenty-somethings, trying to keep up.  Sometimes taking on two hot yoga classes a day, I knew I was pushing myself, but I felt strong and I felt capable.  I recognized that all my insecurities were on display and I had choices at times to cower and give up.  I didn't share with many that cancer lives with me.  I didn't want it to be a crutch, burden or reason to be any different.  And I had lost my close friend Mary earlier in the year. I knew her death was a push for me to do whatever I wanted to do, now. She inspires me to this day to live beyond a cancer diagnosis, to live life fully as long as I am alive.

“...dear God, if today I lose my hope today 

please remind me that your plans are better than my dream ... “

Then came the summer ... teaching classes at schools, visiting public places and ... I started coming down with a nasty cough.  Yet life seemed full of opportunities and I didn’t want to slow down.  But as we know, there is a time to rest and pay attention to your body.  Being sick is one of those times.  

So I kept pushing and working through whatever this body was going through and sometimes ignore the signs ... slow down.  Ignoring because deep down I had another voice wondering if I was simply running out of time?  The five year prognosis mark was creeping up, the time frame given for my mortality.

There doesn’t seem to be a clear-cut answer of what to “do” when sick.  Moderate exercise seems to kick start the immune system into fighting off yucki-ness.  But intense and vigorous exercise may increase your susceptibility to being sick. Everyone has a home remedy and the staunch medical professionals will tell you that you are too late to do anything ...

And of course I ask myself ... how and why?  A guess-timation of what the cause may be.  Perhaps wondering with all the natural goodness in my lifestyle, where sickness can find a home?  Simply a waste of time.  Because I finally realized that the big factor of stress has to be considered ... again.  Stress produces the hormone cortisol which turns off the production of cytokines, the molecules that encourage an aggressive immune response.  Stress of job changes, relationships losses and lifestyle changes, all nicely packaged with a big bow ... yeah a perfect environment to allow yourself to break the self down.

So ... personally speaking ... 6 to 8 weeks of trying to naturally fight off this “heaviness” has resulted in learning that when I am sick, the best approach is to lean into it, specifically lean into the pain when it appears.  This in itself has been a very difficult but awakening process.  Pain has truly been my teacher.  Days and long nights of intensity, realizing that there is no control only acceptance to what is occurring in that moment.  Resistance is futile! I have had to yet again, take inventory of my body and the stress levels in my life.  I have had hard conversations around this with loved ones, which initially can cause aversion but can help uncover where there may be opportunities to make changes.  I am grateful for those words of direct wisdom. Sometimes it is the unconscious, unsaid, unstated tension that starts to simply wear us down.  

With this in mind ... I ask those of you who are reading ... please take the time to take notice.  We are capable of many great things but there comes a time to take a load off.  Take notice and take care of YOU, now.  You don’t want to spend the first half of your life carelessly so that the rest of your life you have to make up for it.  Getting sick is a time to rest, recover and reflect.  Bring the body back to balance and trusting, this too shall pass.  But if we take note now, we can learn and attempt to prevent ourselves from dealing with a more sufferings like this in the future.

www.walkstrong.ca

"Mindful ... "

“ ... in this weightless state

we form to become more mindful

connected to each other as one

the cycle completes 

our arms are lifted up

now we understand

to become more mindful

connected to each other as one

the cycle completes ... “

~ Born Of Osiris ~ Mindful ~ 

***

There is a new fad, and its called meditation also known as mindfulness.  Mindfulness is fairly new buzz word used to sell lots of ... stuff.  And as usual, the fad is marketed to you in a way that you can conveniently “fit it in” to your busy life.  

Yet what is at this heart-centre mindfulness?  Experienced meditators will say it is the notion of living for the moment, a carefree existence.  An appealing concept where most of our lives are full of chaos and yang.

With our environment becoming increasingly dis-tractable, meditation may well become a survival mechanism.  My truth is if I want to stay sane and healthy, I won’t be able to afford not to meditate.  

For many that are intimidated by mindfulness ... don’t know how to do it or for how long ... short stints of meditation can be transformative.  Trust me ... mindfulness can free you from the very thoughts you are trying to avoid.  

“Unhealthy thoughts can chain us to the past. We can, however, change our destructive thoughts in the present. Through mindfulness training we can recognize them as bad habits learned long ago. Then we can take the critical next step. We can discover how these obsessive thoughts cover our grief, insecurity, and loneliness. As we gradually learn to tolerate these underlying energies, we can reduce their pull. Fear can be transformed into presence and excitement. Confusion can open up into interest. Uncertainty can become a gateway to surprise. And unworthiness can lead us to dignity.” -- Jack Kornfield

And there is no “right” way to practice.  It is best to encounter each moment with a sense of starting again.  It is best to honour one’s own direct experience and not worry too much about whether this is what you are suppose to feel or see or think about.  

“If you practice this kind of trust in the face of insecurity and the strong habit of wanting some authority to anoint your experience with
his/her blessing, you will find that something of a deepening nature does happen along the path.” -- Kabat-Zinn

Let go of the preconceived notion that you will experience bliss.  Don’t even expect to feel better.  Just commit to the practice and LET GO.  Feelings of annoyance, boredom and even happiness may arise ... release them as they distract from the present moment.

"The answer to HOW is always in the present moment" -- Baptist Baron

With practice, you will hone the ability to stay neutral and objective by simply returning to the changing sensations of your breath.  This is where you realize that awareness of your busy mind is part of the practice.

" Research shows that being mindful can have tangible benefits, such as alleviating chronic pain and helping to curb depression and anxiety. Various studies have linked mindfulness practice to improvements in attention, eating and sleeping habits, weight management, and recovery from substance abuse. Research also suggests that mindfulness can help people cope better with heart disease, breast cancer, fibromyalgia, asthma and other conditions ... “

Practicing mindfulness in my everyday life has allowed me to understand the concept of self-acceptance ... and understand that we are messy creatures inclined to negative emotions at times.  It is of vital importance to me and my self-growth.  I find this to be perhaps the greatest appeal as it empowers me to ... step back, pause to assess the situation and recognize what I’m feeling.  This allows me to choose how to respond rather than letting my responses happen to me.

www.walkstrong.ca

" The Hurry and The Harm ... "

“ But why are we so worried more about the hurry 

and less about the harm?

Always trying to conquer that which does not offer 

anything more than a broken heart.

Oh what a cost for love ...

Only want oh simple things, 

mourning the loss and what could have been.

When did I let go to all that I use to know 

this grave mistake has left an absence of hope.

I'm going back to the start “

~ City And Colour ~ The Hurry And The Harm ~

***

We all have it in us to behave in the ways we judge others.  That is why we judge, because we are judging a part of us.  A dark part of us that we keep hidden.  That no one sees.  But it is still there.  Lurking.  Waiting.  Wondering what will be the trigger. 

Recently, we watched a great movie, The Dhamma Brothers, in our weekly meditation crew.  Highly recommended, we had an opportunity to see transformations occur within people who had been written off by society.  Truly a powerful movie.

And it made me think ... is someone bad or did they behave badly?  Do we shame people in our lives, for what they did, by labelling them rather than the act?  There are always consequences to our actions as the actions themselves carry power.  What we do and say has this power, meaning and purpose.  

And sometimes ... we just make 

really. poor. choices.

But as it is being explained to me ... to harm another individual, you have to experience harm personally.  That is how you know the difference.  A terrorist has been terrorized.  A rapist has been violated.  It is learned, taught, shown, explained ... it is EXPERIENCED first ... that is if you believe this way.  Some don’t so whatever floats your boat.

Yet, we are judged very quickly on what we do wrong, rather than all the things we do right.  And many don’t want to believe or accept that someone can change.  I have heard many times ... “A leopard doesn’t change it’s spots” ... but isn't that because he was born with them on his skin?  Rather, we can change our behaviour ... how we respond, act and do.

We learn that nothing out “there” will make us happy ... chasing after something that doesn't last.  All is temporary.  All is impermanent.  And this can provide a sense of chaos or relief in your life ... depending on where you are in your journey.  

The bad news is, all things are temporary

The good news is, all things are temporary

Perspective is what will give you a chance to consider another possibility.  Another way because maybe your road can be less bumpy.  And really that is where I am at.  When cancer lives with you, there is a shit of stuff that comes to the surface.  And you have sift through, process and let it go.  In the beginning, you are venturing into unknown territory.  But when the fear of the unknown turns into curiosity for what is, the dark parts don’t seem as ... dark.  When the time is as it should be, a crack appears, which allows the light to shine out.  The light that was and always is within all of us.

If you took a selfie of your soul, 

you’d see how beautiful you really are ...

We forget to practice the most important practice ... loving kindness towards ourselves.  It is time to believe in yourself.  It is time to listen within.  

BE in stillness ... the answers are all there.

www.walkstrong.ca

" Deep Hurt ... "

I saw you, like the promised land; 

And I felt you, like the only one. 

I'm falling, I'm falling, I'm falling down; 

I'm falling, I'm falling inside my heart. 

I'm waiting, I'm stearing your time has come; 

I'm waiting, I'm stearing to burn you down... 

Deep hurt, when you leave me like this ... 

Deep hurt, when you're laughing of me... 

~ Lamia ~ Deep Hurt ~

***

* Deep hurt takes deep healing *

Deep hurt ... when an event or a time in your life where the rug of life itself seems to have been ripped out from beneath your feet.  

About a year and half ago I experience deep hurt.  By a friend, a hurt that was unexpected and very deep.  So I spent a long time reflecting ... asking why the situation happened, asking what I did “wrong”, asking how it could have been different.

* Deep hurt brings deep compassion *

And I have realized that I didn’t need to get over it, I needed to go through it and honor my pain.  Yes, that is right, honor.  Honor the reason why I have the pain to begin with.  It is not about arguing with your new reality, however catastrophic it feels.  It is about saying yes to what is happening at the moment and seeing where you can move yourself into a higher place from that moment forward.  It is about having more loving compassion for yourself rather than pity.  It is about finding that higher reason.

Courage * Integrity * Truth * Love 

I wish I knew then what I know now ... isn’t that always the way?  If only someone would have taught me that within the seed of deep life tragedy is the seed for life renewal ... and take that situation and create positive change ... perhaps my pain would not have lasted so long.

You are not your mind ... You are not your thoughts ...

Perhaps it is about getting through to the other side of your grief and into a place of authentic empowerment which shows you how via your situation you can feel different.

Perhaps it is about adjusting to the new situation with a positive sense of purpose re-igniting hope and replacing despair.

Whatever scars you carry around with you, take the time to not only identify your pain but express it.  In my situation, I didn’t have the opportunity to communicate my hurt.  So instead I scribed what I needed to and burned it.  It  empowered me instead of victimizing me.  

Yet reliving the past ... can be addictive ... it gives us the opportunity to do it again and respond differently ... you know to fight back instead of being passive or to speak your mind instead of staying silent.  It also allows you to possibly understand better. What happened? Where did you go wrong? What should you have done?  But reliving the past also allows you to torture yourself.  Because regardless of what you should have done, you can’t do it now.  

So stop telling the story.  It may seem like another way to understand what happened, or maybe it feels helpful to hear someone say you didn’t do anything wrong and you don’t deserve to hurt. In all reality this just keeps you stuck right where you are: living your life around a memory and giving it power to control you.

I realize that I can’t find happiness by holding onto a painful story.  Sometimes when trying to find a happy ending it is better to look for a new beginning.  I can only find happiness when I let it go and make room for something better.   

It has not been easy to release a pain identity, particularly when I’ve carried it around for a long time.  So I started to remember who I was before that experience and I also consider who I might have become if it hadn’t happened.  Interesting space to play in ...

Hence if you find it hard to completely let go of the hurt forever, start simple ... make room for joy right now.  Just re-focus and allow yourself a little peace.  And because you don’t have to carry your hurt through every moment of your day, allow yourself pockets of peace, shared with people you love and find you need that story a lot less.