" Events ... "

“Mark it on a calendar and walk away

Forget the stories forget the pain

They mean nothing to you well they mean nothing to me

But the memories wont let me be

Take the pictures to remember the day 

I'm forgetting the voices what they have to say

They mean nothing to you they mean nothing to me

But the memories wont let me be 

And it is only the strong survive

And that is only the biggest lie ... 

I blacked my soul last night to feel like you ...

And I need to think of something to say 

before we all are on the floor “

~ The Front Bottoms ~ Events ~

***

An event, big or small, happy or sad, surely you’ll see many you haven’t seen for a while.  Words are expressed with an embrace, observations are made and expectations are set ... and then what happens, absolutely nothing.  I can’t keep count how many times I heard ... haven’t seen you in a long time, we should get together, how have you been, gosh, you must be so busy, life is really hectic, so much going on, we really need to spend time together, how are you feeling ... moving lips and then what happens, absolutely nothing.

And so what’s the point?

It is so easy to believe you are connecting, you can pick up where you left off and you know what is going on in someones life.  Isn’t it just as easy to peek on their profile, snoop on their wall, and check out their social media outlets ... ?  

... we become perfect strangers ...

Perfect strangers whom meet when it is required, expected, and an obligation.  Sad?  for some ... because initially there is a sense of excitement, to reconnect, to rekindle the magic from when you were a youth.  It’s easy to romanticize the past.  Yet inevitably somehow along the way someone will see you in the same light ... can’t see past your faults, your flaws, your past.  Perhaps your new found identity threatens them and their existence.  Who are you now and where to they fit in?  So to them, you have never changed.  To them, you are same.  To them, judgement is a one way street.

WE change moment by moment.  So isn’t it odd to hear that nothing is new.  EVERYTHING is new.  So what is it about then?  Can they just cant be bothered to share with you their joys and sorrows?  Or maybe they don’t think it is that big of a deal ... their life that is.  Or maybe they are still stuck in the past, holding on to a grudge, even at the saddest times when all that is desired is comfort.  So, they give you the highlight reel ... the great trips, the awards their kids win, their latest purchase, their latest gadgets.  

Life is just so terrific.  So they say.  Yet their faces are full of suffering and because maybe they can't bare their soul, have a real conversation and really express how they are.  Perhaps the reality of their situation is too much to handle.  So you see others going through the motions ... saying the right things, doing the right things, and being seen where they need to be seen.  They lose the point ... of why they were present.  Perhaps a harsh observation but one that is usually not spoken.  And, yes of course, judgement as well.  

But how do we really feel?  

Aren’t there times when we just want to scream and say ... f*ck it?  

Isn’t that expression REAL honesty in the moment?  

Isn’t it okay to say that you are NOT okay? 

Isn’t it okay to ask for help?  

When we strive to become more authentic, we remove all the distractions, the image, the layers and the stories.  We bare who we TRULY are.  The shell is gone and we have no where to hide.  Kindness is always always ALWAYS necessary - especially towards self.

Gentle reminders of gratitude ... 

These events happen to teach - teach about who we are, what we are made of and what we are capable of dealing with.  We are all fractured souls trying to put the pieces back together.  We are all trying to figure it out.  So these moments, these events give us a chance to dig deep, sort out what works, what doesn’t.  These are the moments help us maneuver through life and all it’s glory.  And let it be so ...

www.walkstrong.ca

" Giver … "

Dream wild in waves of confidence and heart 

Don't underestimate the power of your part 

Throw the rules away 

Trust your gut and make it 

On your own 

Don't underestimate the glories of the road 

Because when you're on your own you've got it all 

Throw the rules away 

To stand and deliver now. 

All is yours 

~ Hot Water Music ~ Giver ~

***

In our society, given the constant demands of our time and energy, we need to have large reserves of empathy ... it is crucial.  Yet all this empathy can also leave you exhausted and unable to care anymore because you’re a giver ... and maybe you just gave too much.

.caregiver burnout ... compassion fatigue ... empathy emptied ... giver gave out

Interestingly, most don’t recognize that they too, need care.  Usually, they feel they can handle the pressure.  But the most important way to prevent compassion fatigue is to care for yourself before you care for anyone else ... eventually your body will tell your mind ... listen.  And this is very different from everyday work stresses as the fatigue results from taking on the emotional burden of a patient’s agony.  Some even equate it to a post traumatic stress disorder with symptoms that can range from irritability, disturbed sleep, outbursts of anger, intrusive thoughts and maybe even a desire to avoid anything having to do with the patient's struggle. 

... all from trying to help others ...

So some ways that may help relieve the pressures ...

mindful meditation decreases depression and anxiety

writing in a journal helps you express your feelings

grounding yourself daily 

taking a vacation or break

asking for help to lighten the load

Care giving is a job ... and for some of us through sickness and in health.  So the best you can do for anyone is the best for yourself, because remember ...

“it’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it” 

~ Lena Horne

" Say What You Mean ... "

Say what you mean

Mean what you say

Think about the words

That you're using

Speak for yourself

Say what's on your mind

Think about the life

That you're choosing

Whenever you need somebody

Whenever you're looking

For somebody who knows

When trouble won't leave you alone.

I'm ready to take you now

Whenever you want to go

Yeah, my heart is there for you 

For always and ever, now ...

~ Moody Blues ~ Say What You Mean ~

***

I think that our biggest misconception about communication is that we are all good at it ... that we clearly speak, completely understand and we think we say exactly what we mean.  Yet the truth of the matter is that even in the best of relationships with the best communicators, we mis-communicate more than we communicate and we misunderstand more than we understand.

Think about it  ... when we have something that we want to communicate we are first faced with the task of trying to figure out exactly what it is that we want to say and, as we all know, that task is not always easy. The task becomes even more difficult when what we have to say is very important to us or in some way emotionally complicated. Somehow we have to put words on our experience, on what we want to say, and much more often than not, the words we have are at least somewhat inadequate to the task.  So much gets lost in the translation ... 

Even taking those words back and trying again can be tough because the receiver may already be responding to whatever clumsy jumble we coughed up and lost in whatever that cycle of misunderstanding and confusion is that we fall into again and again.  Add to the dilemma how complicated it is to clearly hear what they are saying and translate their unique way of saying things into our unique way of hearing things with any degree of accuracy.

Communication and healthy relationships, deep waters that you must dive into over and over again to make it work ... 

The problem is that each time an effort to communicate becomes hopelessly stuck in a pattern of miscommunication, we are reluctant to try again.  Yet when we really let go of our perception of how things are going to be based on the past, we open ourselves up to the possibility that things can be better.  

The art of patience and curious listening ...

Stop the Blame Game ... instead of blaming others, we can take personal responsibility for how we communicate.  We can realize that the message we are trying to give is not being heard and our approach not working.  When we own our ability to respond, we can be more aware of our own attitudes and behaviours.  Without judging ourselves, we can regard ourselves with an attitude of kindness .... because we all have areas we need to improve.

Communication is tough, real tough.  But if we are more likely to forgive the awkward process of stumbling around tyring to figure out what we mean and how to say it, we express or true self, who we really are and what we really feel.  Remember, unscripted dialogue may be a poor approximation of what ultimately is meant to be said.  

By having grace for others, we are more likely to give them the space that they need to figure out what they mean and how to say it ... and we are less likely to react to our first misinterpretation as if it were perfectly accurate.

" Bully ... "

She takes the long way home

Fighting her emotions

She's a loner but tonight

She won't go unnoticed

If she can't remember when

She loses her temper

Nobody knows her but tonight

The silence is over ...

Blame the family

Blame the bully

Blame it on me

~ Three Days Grace ~ Bully ~ 

***

I’ve heard the expression “hurt people hurt people” but I really didn’t understand it until recently.  Hurt people’s behaviour is rooted into their own emotional wounds and can turn them into bullies.

You see, a hurt person or bully, pretends to be a victim in order to manipulate others.  They gain the compliance of other nave, compassionate people.  They exaggerate their pain, suffering and impact of others on them.  They replay their pain and never seem to get over things.  They say they are tired of doing all the compromising and suggest others are always ganging up on them.  They do all this because they hurt and so they want others to hurt. 

I suspect if we are honest with ourselves, most of us can identify moments when we acted thoughtlessly from a place of sorrow or anger.  Most of us have felt pain burning like a hot coal in our hands, and felt desperate to unload it, somehow, somewhere.  We have a right to set boundaries and communicate when something is not okay. But the world is a better place when we choose to do that from a place of love and compassion, instead of righteousness and judgment.  

Often we don’t mean to hurt each other ... we just don’t know how to stop hurting ourselves.  So how do we help hurt people and prevent the cycle from repeating itself?

The best way is not to just ignore the offense and silently hold a grudge, or to pretend the offense never happened because neither of those help heal the offender.  Rather it can be seen as a passive-aggressive way of condoning hurtful behaviour.  So instead, making the effort to aid in the healing of that person could enrich their life, and prepare them to be a healthier contributor for the future.

The irony is that what they need the most is LOVE ...

Personally, what I am learning is to first allow myself the grace to know that however the offense made me feel, that my reaction is perfectly okay.  Feeling hurt is good rather than suppressing my emotions.  I need to give my emotions freedom to exist and instead of trying to fix the situation while it is still raw.

Next is forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness ... and this takes time.  I realized that when I was ready to open my heart to forgiveness, miracles follow.  And forgiveness is not conditional on the offender’s willingness to make amends.  For me, this was HUGE because forgiveness is NOT two ways or a trade.  They owe me nothing because forgiving someone doesn’t let them off the hook but off of my hook.  So accept the apology you never got.

As time has passed, I have been able to look at hurtful situations and figure out why, specifically, these offenses were so hurtful.  It is important that I can explain how the other person’s words or actions affected me.  This helps me establish boundaries and hopefully prevent it from happening again.  

And probably the most important lesson learned is to release the situation.  Just as the offender owes me nothing, I owe them nothing.  I decide if they will be allowed back in my life.  They decide if they want to heal themselves.  My only responsibility is to take care of me and remove myself from the situation entirely if I so desire.

I was the type of person who allowed herself to be hurt over and over again, because I was too afraid to upset the offender to risk pushing for healing.  I have learned along the way that I can’t sacrifice my emotional health so that someone else doesn’t have to bear the responsibility of their behaviour.  

It takes understanding that even with the relationships we value the most, we might just be one small brick in the path to that person’s restoration, and never actually see the person fully restored and emotionally healthy.  Healing needs to happen ... and it is important for each of us to do our part, regardless of whether or not we get to see the healing through to it end. 

There is a huge amount of freedom that comes 
to you when you take nothing personally ~Don Miguel Ruiz 

" Break The Cycle ... "

Thank you for your consideration

You don't know what I know

Me and my sense of direction

Is my own

Let's go tell the people

We've gotta break the cycle

I'll start, begin to do my part

To break the cycle

Lay down our guard

It's a revolution

Let's be a part

Of the solution

We've gotta break the cycle

We've gotta break the cycle

~ Cory Lamb ~ Break The Cycle ~

***

Dealing with anxiety, fear and worry can be exhausting and it is hard to break the cycle when it seems like peace eludes you.  But there is hope and we can ... break the cycle.

Anxiety has a way of grabbing hold of your mind and not letting go.  You know what I am talking about ... you are lying in bed about to go to sleep and then in an instant you are hit with a slurry of anxious thoughts.  All of sudden, your mind is spinning and your body starts to get jittery. The harder your fight those thoughts, the faster they come. You quickly spin into full blown panic.

So where do you start ... you address the trigger and the root.  Understanding the triggers of those anxious thoughts is important. For me, I pray through what’s causing fear to arise within me ... is it a physical stress, like something I ate, or a mental stress, like negative thinking patterns.  I have been practicing to take some time during or after my anxiety attack to write down my thoughts.  I ask myself ... what were you thinking before the rush of anxiety? what emotions were you feeling and experiencing? was there something that happened during the day that caused you stress, or got you thinking about about something?  This exercise is allowing me to see if I can start to recognize a pattern.

Also, I am realizing that getting to the root cause of anxiety, fear and worry is absolutely essential if I want to find true freedom.  Most people stop at the first step. Once they find out what’s triggering the anxiety, they simply avoid those triggers without ever dealing with the root cause of the anxiousness.  Yet, with the use of great books, prayers, teachings and blogs I begin to tear down the strongholds of fear and anxiety and learn how thoughts get lodged in my mind. 

So if you find yourself in a similar predicament, here are some resources I use:

Heal Your Life ~ http://www.healyourlife.com/

Spirit Voyage ~ http://www.spiritvoyage.com/blog/

Crazy Sexy Life ~ http://crazysexylife.com/

Use Your Universe ~ http://www.useyouruniverse.com/guidance-for-the-journey.html

Kind Over Matter ~ http://www.kindovermatter.com/

The Best Of This Life ~ http://www.bestofthislife.com/

♥ also THANK-YOU for all your recent emails, phone calls, texts and visits 

... it really is the friends we meet along life's road who help us appreciate the journey ♥