" Dismissed ... "

“Now you're talkin' like I've never played the game before

Save your empty words 'cause I don't wanna hear no more

Basically you're trying to take control of me

But you're not what i wanna be

Do your best to try to pull me down

I'm never goin' back even if I see you around, no

No, I'm never goin' down like this

You've been dismissed “

~ Zoegirl ~ Dismissed ~

***

Think about the last time you expressed yourself and heard ... "cheer up, don’t feel that way, sorry to hear that or I hope you feel better soon".  How did it make you feel?  If you read between the lines, some are saying ... I don’t want to hear about it.  So therefore, all it is is a disguise of casual politeness.

Of course this doesn’t happen ALL the time, but such exchanges occur a LOT of the time.  You just have to listen carefully ...  

So here’s the deal ...

Whenever you talk about how you’re really feeling or what you really think, especially if it is deemed “negative” ... people get uncomfortable.  You see them fidget, squirm or maybe even criticize you sideways.  They may try to shut you up, censor you, change the topic, distract you ... or the most delusional of all ... make it seem like it’s “allllll good”.

Setting boundaries are different than invalidating someone.  It is odd to think that you are indefinitely available to other people and they are to you.  However, if they ask and you share and then they deflect your thoughts and/or feelings, you have been dismissed ... after all, they asked didn't they?  

Sounds insensitive but they got what they asked for and they didn’t like it.  Now it is about you and you are are the problem ... maybe they question how you really feel, shouldn’t feel, should feel and will feel ... in a subtle way, you have just been censored.

“Defensiveness is usually someone silently screaming 

that they need you to value and respect them in disguise. 

When you look for deeper meanings behind someone’s pain 

you can then begin to heal not only yourself, but others.” 

― S.L. Alder

A great place to begin is to ... lighten up.  You are not the problem.  You may be temporarily experiencing a negative emotion.  But the sun came up and it will most probably set again today.  You see, your emotions may be alerting you to problems in your thinking, but you may not have a problem with the way of feeling.  It is always what you do with that feeling, respectfully and peacefully.

Realize some are simply uncomfortable with HOW you are feeling.  Rather than taking responsibility for their own discomfort when you talk about something that's too emotional, they will blame you.  Because they are unwilling to get emotional, or to be fully present, or to genuinely accept that you feel the way you do.  

Usually others don’t want to experience your negative emotions because it is painful.  Painful when they realize that you may become their problem when you voice what 

they cannot accept in their own self.

www.walkstrong.ca

" Shake It Off ... "

But I keep cruising, can't stop, won't stop moving

It's like I got this music in my body and it's gonna be alright

'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play

And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate ... 

Heartbreakers gonna break, break, break, break, break

And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake

Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

I shake it off, I shake it off

I'll never miss a beat, I'm lightning on my feet

And that's what they don't see mmm, that's what they don't see mmm ... 

I, I shake it off, I shake it off

~ Taylor Swift ~ Shake It Off ~

***

When you feel no need to defend your thoughts, opinions, or ideas, you can deal with life knowing that you are empowered, your faith is strong, and you are able to shake “it” off.  

Faith comes from our own ability to recognize the influence the world has around us actually comes from within us.  Rather than being driven to prove our place, we become confidant in our actions, behaviours and words.  So when life events occur, we tap into that place to manage, cope and deal.

The need to engage in confrontations or conflict, and trying to defend ourselves is no longer required.  We have confidence in the moment and secure with our personal power.  

We don’t feel the need to be right, or teach a lesson, or point out a mistake, or preach.  We learn that every one has their own journey full of successes and failures to experience.  We learn that we are in no position to judge, unless we open ourselves up to be judged.  We learn loving compassion and kindness for those that disagree with our point of view.  We find that people can have different opinions, but still respect one another.  And we learn that the we have very little control of an outcome.

For those whom don’t resonate with these ideas, subconsciously we all demonstrate faith, daily ... if we are blessed to live another day.  When catastrophes happen, we don’t fall apart, even if we think we may.  We are only as strong as we allow ourselves to be and what we believe will manifest ...

Personally, I started with developing a trustworthiness of the Universe.  I opened my mind and heart to the possibility of anything.  I detached myself from the outcome, and began to take notice along the way.  And I freed myself of others through forgiveness and listened to my heart’s deep desire.  I realized that no one is perfect and expecting myself and others to live up to a fictitious standard results in suffering.  

By living each day in a state of unshakable faith, it grows to support me when facing predicaments ... it is a practice, a practice of gratitude for what is and appreciation for whatever comes.  When you find yourself fully immersed in this space, faith is ... unshakable ... 

www.walkstrong.ca

" New Realization ... "

The time has come to reach a new realization 'tween me and you
Time to clear the rumors, sensations, and things that just are untrue

Well I thought I heard you behind me with a knife straight for my back
It's quite clear that I'm back in the swing of living ...
You may hold some vision of truth, if truth can found in a lie
Maybe some grain of inspiration, for song that's deep inside

Oh, passions there for those who want to
Pay the price of loving you in more ways than one

A mind is a precious thing to taste

~ Sublime ~ New Realization ~ 

***

I remember when I was younger I always wanted to work in the health field.  I wanted to dedicate my life to helping others.  Yet those that know me, know that this is not where my career took me.  Instead, I followed the promises for great money, fame and fortune.  I was driven by greed and thought I would build my life first ... security, wealth, etc ... and then work on helping others later.

But just when I had it all figured out, life had other plans.

And so since this diagnosis, I have had countless realizations.  I try to share as many as I can in my writings, but I have also realized that some of the best things that happen to you, you just can’t put into words. 

Yet those you do share with are more special than the experience.  Because those special people stayed and didn’t fade away.  Because they didn’t drop out of your life.  Because they believed in you more now than before you got sick.  

So I’ve asked myself if there is room in my heart to have compassion 

for those who cannot face the ugliness of cancer?  

So I’ve asked myself how much anger can I have for those who fear my mortality?  

In the beginning, I dreaded the idea of being alone ... I felt that isolation was a type of punishment which affirmed why I got cancer.  I felt abandoned.  And that fear of the possibility of being left behind in childhood, started to manifest.

And then ... clarity ... the way life was unfolding, the way relations were changing, the way life was expanding and contracting ... THIS exact space and time was were the healing would begin.  
It was the source.  And it only required me.  

real lies... realize ... real eyes

I started to notice a difference.  Again hard to put into words.  I just  stopped feeling like a victim.  My inner voice spoke to me saying “if you created this, you can heal it.  It didn’t matter what any ONE believed.  It didn’t matter.  Those words like abandonment & loneliness, which stemmed from my fear, started being replaced with forgiveness & love all around.

I knew I had to let go of the anger, the jealousy, the guilt and the shame ... 

I knew I had to let go of the chaos, drama and expectations ...

I knew I had to let go of them ...

www.walkstrong.ca

" Dedicate … "

I dedicate this song to the love of my life ...
That's why I sing this song to tell you that I love you
'Cause you're my one and only

Oh, you're the one that I adore
And no matter what we go through, 

I'll love you forever and more ...
You'll show me the way back to your heart and that's why

Ooh, I dedicate, ooh, I dedicate

~ Amanda Perez ~ Dedicate ~

***

In the past, I’ve struggled with an obsessive personality ... finding something to learn or do, getting carried away and thinking about it constantly ... becoming so curious and seeking ways to find as much information I could.

Doesn’t sound so bad right?  Well, depends on if what you are obsessing is more destructive than productive to you ...

Ask yourself when is the last time you gave everything you had to make something happen? ... extreme focus and determination, full of passion.  You see, whether you realize it or not, the way you choose to spend your day is ultimately a trade off ... moments of your life in exchange for your current activities.  

do you consciously recognize & appreciate each day of your life with awareness ... are you activities worthy of your life energy ...

Ultimately, to know what counts and what doesn’t, you have to know what motivates you rather than what affects you, being more proactive than reactive.  

“we are punished by what we do, not because of it” 

~ C. Humphreys

I often think about what I will be remembered for ... and really if I will be remembered at all.  So I do my best and choose to dedicate my life to something I consider worthy ... in whatever small way possible.

Perhaps in the end it doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters how you are ... devoting your life to is a way of being.  You each get a choose how you want your life to be, to identify what you value, who you want to be, what you want to stand for and you get a lifetime to practice that.  With no input from anyone but your own heart ... listened in your quietest, most compassionate moments ... with every breath you get to dedicate what is dearest …

" The Look of Love ... "

When your world is full of strange arrangements 

And gravity won't pull you through 

You know you're missing out on something 

Well that something depends on you ... 

That's the look, that's the look 

The look of love ...

Then your dreams fall apart at the seams 

Your reason for living's your reason for leaving 

Don't ask me what it means 

Who's got the look? I don't know the answer to that question 

Where's the look? if I knew I would tell you 

What's the look? look for your information 

Yes there's one thing, the one thing that still holds true ...

That's the look, that's the look 

The look of love 

~ ABC ~ The Look of Love ~ 

***

Last night at a social gathering I experienced some interesting dialogue.  Having had some rough days and months past, dialogue I was more aware of.  While my outer appearance was calm, cool and collective, my inside was of another variety.  Again, having had some rough days and months ... if they only knew.

Picture this ....

Person: “you look pretty good”

Me (outside): “thank-you, that is very kind of you

Me (inside): “actually, I feel pretty bad”

Person: “keep up the good work”

Me (outside): smile, “thanks”

Me (inside): “it sure does feel like work all the time”

Person: “you’ve lost weight, what is your secret?”

Me (outside): “thanks, healthy eating”

Me (inside): “you have noooo idea”

Person: “aren’t you going to have dinner or are you on a diet?”

Me (outside): “oh, I’ve already eaten thanks”

Me (inside): “you have noooo idea”

And it goes on ... you get the idea.  I realized as well that once again, just when you think EVERYONE knows what you are going through, they don’t.  And it’s not because they don’t care, but because they themselves have their own challenges they are dealing with.  And right then and there you realize ... your life does only revolve around you.

I will admit I was bit tired by those that did know and how uncomfortable it still makes them.  When you they ask you “how are you doing”, they really don’t want to hear that inside voice in your head, the honest one, the vulnerable one.  Mainly because that would be uncomfortable to hear.  How many people truly know how to cope, manage or deal with another person’s adversity?  When the response is something other than what they expect, what are they suppose to do with it?

Since my diagnosis, I have had friends that have vanished, or maybe a nicer way of saying it ... “are soooo busy”.  And it is not because they don’t care, it’s because they don’t know how to deal with it.  It makes them uncomfortable dealing with the idea of mortality, mine or their own.  Oddly enough, it doesn’t go away because it is the elephant in the room, causing each subsequent conversation to get more and more difficult.

The look, your look says a lot about you.  But we can all fake it and most of the time we do.  We look the part and act the part but do we really feel the part??  Aha ... yeah, that is the key.  Working on what is going on inside.  And while we are all “strive to survive”, sometimes survival is acting the part so that we can make do.  Just think if we went to work and really acted how we were feeling ... chances are, we'd be unemployed and probably be escorted to the nearest mental health office for “assistance”.  But I'm pretty sure we'd have a great deal of company.

Of course if we need professional help we should seek it.  Yet sometimes we just need someone to listen to what our hearts are saying.  Instinctively, I feel we really do know when others are in pain, suffering and in need of help.  It is whether we chose to do something about it or just ignore it.  

Active Compassion versus Passive Empathy ...

When you read between the lines, understand another's pain and suffering and act on it with assistance ... that is active compassion.  When you feel sorry for someone, wish them the best but don’t get involved, and are happy it isn’t you ... that is passive empathy or pity.  There is a difference.  A big difference ... compassion creates connections where pity creates distance.

Compassion becomes active when it is worked like a muscle ...

“Every moment offers us a chance to be gentle instead of sharp, thoughtful instead of insensitive.  Making compassion an automatic response, by directing consistent attention and effort in every situation is to consciously practice incorporating it into our lives.  But we must choose to naturally sink into a rhythm of words and behaviors that reflect this loving kindness in everything we do”.