" Avoid ... "

“ ... Sorry about that. 

I’ll never know comfort till the sun sets.

I’ve always known the struggle when the light and my eyes met.

They connect.

Put me back in the earth.

I came from dust and not dirt.

You made me from dust, not dirt ... “

~ The Color Morale ~ Avoid ~ 

***

I think people are surprised when you tell them you are a yoga instructor but may not practice intense yoga every day.  Yes, I try, I try very hard.  But with the expectation that it should be easier, personally speaking, every time I step onto the mat, I feel like it’s the first time.  And at times when there is a sudden loss of a loved one, or I am spiraling downward cycle of depression, I have no motivation, let alone the desire to step onto my mat ... but I try ... and I don’t beat myself up if I don’t make it.

With over a decade of my own personal practice, I acknowledge that the poses I avoid at all costs are the ones I need the most.  Sounds like life.  Distractions, procrastination and apathy can allow me to avoid my mat and bury me far away from our most unwanted feelings.  By doing this, I avoid giving attention to that which needs it the most ... the darkness.

... turn a setback into a comeback ...

So getting on your mat can be an arduous task ... yeah, that is a great marketing tool ... but honestly, it sort of is.  Because you don’t want to face those uncomfortable emotions sometimes.  You know those ones, just under the surface.  Fear about what may come up, what you may find and what you may have to let go.  

... remembering that yoga goes beyond the movements we perform on our mat, and that through this solo dance, we give attention to the emotions we are avoiding and transform our reality ... 

• I realize the times when I feel alone in my darkness is the precise time I need to be alone on my island of my yoga mat.  That is when I need it the most .. 20 seconds, 20 minutes or 2 hours ... time is irrelevant.  
• I realize that in those moments, I can listen to what my heart wants and needs ... and do it, with faith and rather than judgement.
• I realize that learning to own my body’s movements and self-expression on the mat helps me to own the darkest emotions while they ebb and flow like the ocean. 
• I realize that as I grieve loss, I can dedicate my practice towards the experience, be grateful, feel connected and a sense of oneness and love.

This practice has been a constant thread in my life ... through loss, turmoil, drama ... and illness.  It is naive for me to think that this practice will erase negative thoughts or strong emotions.  Yet from experience, it saved me from resistance by allowing space to witness what happens inside of me, to accept me, to accept both the darkness and the light.  And appreciate that since our time on Gaia is just a lifetime, we can choose to come home to ourselves, in the present moment, with compassion, kindness and unconditional love.

www.walkstrong.ca

" New Realization ... "

The time has come to reach a new realization 'tween me and you
Time to clear the rumors, sensations, and things that just are untrue

Well I thought I heard you behind me with a knife straight for my back
It's quite clear that I'm back in the swing of living ...
You may hold some vision of truth, if truth can found in a lie
Maybe some grain of inspiration, for song that's deep inside

Oh, passions there for those who want to
Pay the price of loving you in more ways than one

A mind is a precious thing to taste

~ Sublime ~ New Realization ~ 

***

I remember when I was younger I always wanted to work in the health field.  I wanted to dedicate my life to helping others.  Yet those that know me, know that this is not where my career took me.  Instead, I followed the promises for great money, fame and fortune.  I was driven by greed and thought I would build my life first ... security, wealth, etc ... and then work on helping others later.

But just when I had it all figured out, life had other plans.

And so since this diagnosis, I have had countless realizations.  I try to share as many as I can in my writings, but I have also realized that some of the best things that happen to you, you just can’t put into words. 

Yet those you do share with are more special than the experience.  Because those special people stayed and didn’t fade away.  Because they didn’t drop out of your life.  Because they believed in you more now than before you got sick.  

So I’ve asked myself if there is room in my heart to have compassion 

for those who cannot face the ugliness of cancer?  

So I’ve asked myself how much anger can I have for those who fear my mortality?  

In the beginning, I dreaded the idea of being alone ... I felt that isolation was a type of punishment which affirmed why I got cancer.  I felt abandoned.  And that fear of the possibility of being left behind in childhood, started to manifest.

And then ... clarity ... the way life was unfolding, the way relations were changing, the way life was expanding and contracting ... THIS exact space and time was were the healing would begin.  
It was the source.  And it only required me.  

real lies... realize ... real eyes

I started to notice a difference.  Again hard to put into words.  I just  stopped feeling like a victim.  My inner voice spoke to me saying “if you created this, you can heal it.  It didn’t matter what any ONE believed.  It didn’t matter.  Those words like abandonment & loneliness, which stemmed from my fear, started being replaced with forgiveness & love all around.

I knew I had to let go of the anger, the jealousy, the guilt and the shame ... 

I knew I had to let go of the chaos, drama and expectations ...

I knew I had to let go of them ...

www.walkstrong.ca

" In The Way ... "

Underneath the bridge 

The tarp has sprung a leak 

And the animals I've trapped 

Have all become my pets 

And I'm living off of grass 

And the drippings from the ceiling 

But it's ok to eat fish 

Cause they don't have any feelings 

Something in the way 

Ummmmm 

Something in the way, yea 

Ummmmm ...

~ Nirvana ~ In The Way ~

***

Do you get in your own way?  You know what I mean ... your intentions are pure but you may be sabotaging yourself.  Now your instant reaction may be “no” but subconsciously is where the truth lies, where the real you is.

Another way to ask this is whether your beliefs help you or hinder you?  What is your programming?  What is your patterning?  What are you resisting and why?  Are you even aware of what is being orchestrated again at the subconscious level?

Can you let it go ... Will you let it go ... When?

My practice is teaching me how to listen to the story I tell myself, how to observe this story and detach, how to release this story, how to relax and how to repeat.  As you can imagine, the repeat part if often! ... my reality is that I “start over” all the time, all day, every day.  And I guess if we are all honest with ourselves, we all do this.  We start over.

I write about this because personally, this week I had an event that triggered “stuff”.  Thankfully I have the awareness to know what emotions and feelings are coming up and I ask the question why.

Event ... the “chance” that I walk into the breast cancer “survivors” march/demonstration.  Picture this ... I take a stroll into a building to pick up some tea only to be greeted with “and there are your survivors Calgary” ... pink t-shirts everywhere, the biggest pink ribbon you can find hanging from the ceiling, music, cheering and a crowd - celebrating Breast Cancer Awareness month.  My reaction ... flight.  I couldn’t get out of there fast enough as nausea started to take over.  Wow - what a reaction and why so intense are the questions I have been sitting with.  Why didn’t I feel that I am inclusive of this group and instead why did fear take over?

Having courage is to keep going without knowing the outcome ... is to have the ability and willingness to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty or intimidation.  Well I sure wasn’t courageous in that situation.  

So do I beat myself up over it ... already did.  But then something unexpectedly happened ... a realization.  The reason I reacted the way I did was due to my subconscious beliefs.  My fear comes from believing what the mass media, the doctors, the statistics, the “stories” ... tell us.  They tell us that there is no cure, that once you have cancer then you are terminal ... it is not if but when.  Period.  No discussion.

Yet my reality shows different.  

Three years since this part of my journey began 

I think of four words ... I AM STILL HERE.  

So powerful and so true.  

Against the odds, maybe.  Could things be worse, always.  

Am I healing, most definitely ... 

And I still get in my own way.  My health practitioner told me today to keep doing what I am doing as my body is reacting extremely well.  I replied with “at least I am doing something right” ... right then right there ... I am getting in my own way.  And here I thought I was being entertaining but unfortunately at my own expense.

So the next time my anxiety, doubt, ego, concern and critical inner voice starts up, I am going to consciously try to get out of my own way and re-focus.  Refocus on embracing my success, celebrating my milestones, and enjoying my victories however minute they may seem.  

By changing my focus, I can release what no longer serves me and make room to receive what is available for my highest good.  It is progress, it is improvement, and hopefully it is the path to who I really am.  

Oh yes, always a work in progress ...

" Be Your Own ... "

Maybe then we could get somewhere
Instead of going in circles and circles
Just to end-up right back here
Tired and with nothing but our good intentions ... 

Stop trying and trying
(Stop trying)
To be what I need and just be what you are
(There's nothing to prove)
I don't have the answers but I know ... 

Yeah, just be your own
Yeah, just be your own ...

~ Rebekah ~ Be Your Own ~

***

Well I’ll admit it ... I have spent a fair amount of time looking for a guru, you know that person who would just blow me away with their presence, kindness, compassion, vision and guidance.  The one that would give me answers.  The one that would tell me about enlignment and awareness.  The one that would tell me that I had finally “made it”.

I have attended my share of workshops, lectures, teachings, seminars, retreats ... but it hasn’t happened.  The one that would do so much I couldn’t find.  

realization ... 

the person I was looking for was the one I would need to become ...

Now I understand that we are eternal students of Life ... and I have found great teachers who inspire me to be humble and learn more.  Yet I am not driven anymore to find that one who will make everything okay, show me the light or bless my decisions by diminishing uncertainty.  

And perhaps we get on this path of searching outside of us because when we lack answers we look to others.  There is often some form of connection, safety, comfort, and support in receiving answers from others.  

do you believe that someone is better qualifed than you 

regarding what you need to know, be or do?

I know that in the past I have been asked to trust my instinct, my core, my intuition.  And at times when I feel like things are muddy, I look outwardly for affirmation ... am I doing the right thing? am I on the right path? 

Thankfully, my meditation practice has allowed me to explore my spiritual path, discovering my core truth ... that the highest answers needed for my life is within me right now. 

Being your own guru doesn’t take away from books, swami’s and other inspiring organizations as these can support your own inner guidance.  Being your own guru means you believe that being guided by YOUR inner guru is empowering.  Being your own guru allows you to trust your own inner light as sufficient to draw to you the right people, circumstances and opportunites for all situations ... just trust yourself, you're smarter than you think you are.

" What About Now ... "

Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading
From all the things that we are
Are not saying
Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn? ...

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace
Shadows fade into the light
I am by your side ...

Now that we're here
Now that we've come this far
Just hold on ...

What about now?
What about today?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
What about now?

~ Daughtry ~ What About Now ~ 
***

With cancer diagnoses on the rise there is a good chance you or someone you know in your lifetime will hear these dreaded words ... “ I’m sorry, it’s cancer”.  

When we were at the Gerson clinic, we were told the statistic of 1 in 3 is actually 1 in 2.  Yet the positive side is that more of us are surviving our initial diagnosis and treatment ... going on to live full and vibrant lives.  

Some of the hardest moments are often between diagnosis and the beginning of treatment for a person battling cancer ... mainly because it is easier to deal when you are doing something about it.  You have a plan of action.  

So when the news is raw, and you mind takes over, there are some things you can do in what I call the “meantime”.  And by the way, this “meantime” feels like forever as your whole world as you know it has just collapsed.  What you knew doesn’t exist anymore ... and you are left trying to make sense of what appears to be a death sentence but is truly an opportunity for change.  

I can only speak from experience and since I am obviously not a doctor, this is by no means medical advice.  So this is not to “convince” anyone as to what treatment to pursue.

Realization ... 

One of the first things I realized was to have grace for myself.  Practice compassion and kindness towards me.  Contrary to what I was “heard” about breast cancer, this is not the end of the world.  So when my imagination started to head towards worst case scenarios, I had to reel it back in.  Our bodies are ALWAYS listening to our thoughts and feeling our emotions and the extra stress is un-necessary.  So I had to stop torturing myself as to what will go wrong and start focusing on what would go right.  I practice this daily.

Realization ... 

Next was to share my burden and get support.  Yeah no, that doesn’t mean updating your facebook status but tell someone.  Know this is a heavy burden, so carrying it alone is not wise.  I am blessed with my amazing husband, family and few awesome friends aka angels ... yet not everyone has that option.  So reach out and find support services that will help you will your diagnosis and how to cope.  

Realization ... 

Understand your diagnosis.  We all have cancer cells in our bodies and therefore they are not foreign invaders.  Healthy immune systems are always fighting them, seeking them out and destroying them.  Yet when cells grow beyond the capability of our immune systems and they can't handle it ... we "get" cancer.  Good, efficient cellular environment ensures we don't "get" sick ... it is important to understand that cancers have four characteristics: weak immune system, low oxygen uptake by the cells, excess acidity & excess toxins.

Realization ... 

Probably the most important is to get educated when it comes to your treatment.  Learning about options ...  your best defence is making a decision from a place of knowledge NOT fear plays a vital role in your survival.  If you don’t understand, ask questions ... and then ask again.  You have a right to know.  (And when doing online research, beware of Dr. Goggle ... there is a  great deal of mis-information so check the legitimacy of the site.  Also, avoid worst case scenarios as they do absolutely nothing for you.  Trust me, I know).

Realization ...  

Do yourself a favour and make it easy for others to help you.  I found that people want to help, but they just don’t know what to say or do.  So tell them what you need.  Loved ones may be afraid to offer help for fear of offending you, so give them the opportunity by openly communicating.  Once you let them in your world, they will take cues from you and can be an integral part of your healing journey.

Realization ... 

Finally recognize that there are and will be rough days and amazing days.  I tell myself often to hang in there even after being in therapy for 20 months.  Does it get easier ... well depends on what time or day you ask me.  But what I do know is I am still here ... and that you can have cancer and a good life.