" In The Way ... "

Underneath the bridge 

The tarp has sprung a leak 

And the animals I've trapped 

Have all become my pets 

And I'm living off of grass 

And the drippings from the ceiling 

But it's ok to eat fish 

Cause they don't have any feelings 

Something in the way 

Ummmmm 

Something in the way, yea 

Ummmmm ...

~ Nirvana ~ In The Way ~

***

Do you get in your own way?  You know what I mean ... your intentions are pure but you may be sabotaging yourself.  Now your instant reaction may be “no” but subconsciously is where the truth lies, where the real you is.

Another way to ask this is whether your beliefs help you or hinder you?  What is your programming?  What is your patterning?  What are you resisting and why?  Are you even aware of what is being orchestrated again at the subconscious level?

Can you let it go ... Will you let it go ... When?

My practice is teaching me how to listen to the story I tell myself, how to observe this story and detach, how to release this story, how to relax and how to repeat.  As you can imagine, the repeat part if often! ... my reality is that I “start over” all the time, all day, every day.  And I guess if we are all honest with ourselves, we all do this.  We start over.

I write about this because personally, this week I had an event that triggered “stuff”.  Thankfully I have the awareness to know what emotions and feelings are coming up and I ask the question why.

Event ... the “chance” that I walk into the breast cancer “survivors” march/demonstration.  Picture this ... I take a stroll into a building to pick up some tea only to be greeted with “and there are your survivors Calgary” ... pink t-shirts everywhere, the biggest pink ribbon you can find hanging from the ceiling, music, cheering and a crowd - celebrating Breast Cancer Awareness month.  My reaction ... flight.  I couldn’t get out of there fast enough as nausea started to take over.  Wow - what a reaction and why so intense are the questions I have been sitting with.  Why didn’t I feel that I am inclusive of this group and instead why did fear take over?

Having courage is to keep going without knowing the outcome ... is to have the ability and willingness to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty or intimidation.  Well I sure wasn’t courageous in that situation.  

So do I beat myself up over it ... already did.  But then something unexpectedly happened ... a realization.  The reason I reacted the way I did was due to my subconscious beliefs.  My fear comes from believing what the mass media, the doctors, the statistics, the “stories” ... tell us.  They tell us that there is no cure, that once you have cancer then you are terminal ... it is not if but when.  Period.  No discussion.

Yet my reality shows different.  

Three years since this part of my journey began 

I think of four words ... I AM STILL HERE.  

So powerful and so true.  

Against the odds, maybe.  Could things be worse, always.  

Am I healing, most definitely ... 

And I still get in my own way.  My health practitioner told me today to keep doing what I am doing as my body is reacting extremely well.  I replied with “at least I am doing something right” ... right then right there ... I am getting in my own way.  And here I thought I was being entertaining but unfortunately at my own expense.

So the next time my anxiety, doubt, ego, concern and critical inner voice starts up, I am going to consciously try to get out of my own way and re-focus.  Refocus on embracing my success, celebrating my milestones, and enjoying my victories however minute they may seem.  

By changing my focus, I can release what no longer serves me and make room to receive what is available for my highest good.  It is progress, it is improvement, and hopefully it is the path to who I really am.  

Oh yes, always a work in progress ...

" Where Are You? ... "

Hey you

Have you felt like this before?

You got style but ain't got soul ... 

Is there no future in sight?

Oh is it different now? Is it different?

Come on

Where are you? Where are you?

I'm kicking and screaming ... 

But this could be the best day, of my life

The best day of my life

~ Our Lady Peace ~ Where Are You?

***

It’s been some time since I blogged.  Really it’s been some time since I’ve done much at all.  It’s been a rough time, but I am here.  The last 2.5 weeks or so I’ve been sick ... 

severe nausea, headaches, fever, wooziness, sleepless nights, out of sorts, and well basically not myself.  

First and foremost, Russell has been my rock, my Mom and Dad have been my foundation and my sister and bro-in-law have been my pillars.  I cannot even think of how I would have gotten through it all without any of them by my side.  And thanks to my beautiful friends Ally and Vanessa, letting me know that I am not alone, they are there for me, praying and holding me up, supporting me ... 

After a few panic attacks, not my proudest moments, test results, which came back normal, and plenty of doctors appointments and consults with my team of doctors here and in Mexico ... I am slowly getting back to before all this.  So, what is all this ... looks like a virus or bug of some sort.  And it hit me extremely hard.  The symptoms are still present but not has strong ... and what I couldn’t understand was how this could be happening?

With almost 16 months on the therapy, I’ve been extremely fortunate to have minor flare ups ... or healing reactions/crisis.  So it is scary when you are not fully aware if what you are experiencing is a major healing crisis or a disease crisis.  No thanks to dr.Google ... there is a lot of wrong information out there.  You truly have to be find out for yourself.  And that is the frightening part.

I was under the assumption that since I am building up my immune system and blogging about it ... how could I get sick?  Newsflash ... we all get sick, giving our immune system an opportunity to kick in and go to work.  Wow, this has been a time where my faith, my beliefs, and my hopes have all been tested.  Again.  And in all honestly, they continue to be.  I was hoping this would get easier, but it doesn’t.  With my anxiety and panic, on a scale of one to ten, at a 100 ... I found it so difficult to stay rational and calm.  During the time of unknown, my Dad said to me, whatever it is, face it with determination, strength and courage.  Easier said than done because many times, I seriously thought this was ...

Today has been the first day since that I wanted to blog again ... and let you know yep, still here, taking baby steps to get back to a new normal.  And during this troubling time I read something that really resonated with me that I wanted to share ...

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, 

how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, 

you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” 

♥ Haruki Murakami