" Unknown ... "

“ This doubt is screaming in my face

This familiar place sheltered and concealed

and if this night won't let me rest

don't let me second guess

what I know to be real

put away all I know for tonight

and maybe I just might learn to let it go

take my security from me

maybe finally I won't have to know everything

I am falling into grace to the unknown

to where you are and faith

makes everybody scared

it's the unknown the don't know

that keeps me hanging on and on and on to you “

~ Lifehouse ~ Unknown ~

***

Would you call it a crisis when you realize that you really know nothing?  What about all that education and life experience, does that qualify you as being wise?  A realization ... what you thought you know, you don’t, what you can count on, you can’t ... and frankly, you are not alone.

Not a pessimistic view, a realistic one.  Those certainties in your life, don’t exist.  That "one" you had is no longer in your life.  That job you had secured is no longer available.  The happily ever after are just words.  And it goes on ... life, not as you planned.

Shift happens and so, you course correct, readjust and move forward.  Even if moving forward is the last thing you want to do.  Why?  so that you don’t become stuck ... stuck in your own muck.

Uber easy to move into a crazy place of unknown, fear of not being prepared for whatever comes your way.  But you are you ever really ready?  Are you ready for the chaos that follows the pivotal moment when you decide ... what do I want?

Ask the question but drop the guilt, shame and judgement.  Open up to vulnerability.  Open up to the truth.  Open up to whatever comes.  Because there is no control, there is no rhyme, there is no reason.  There is only space for acceptance, for surrender.  There seems to only be space to BE.

Having the courage to ask.  The courage to stand in your own truth.  The courage to believe in yourself, by yourself, for yourself.  Trusting you can handle what you are experiencing.  Knowing you can.  Now what ... what now?  Whatever you wish.  

Having the insight that nothing is permanent and “this too, shall pass”.  The transient nature.  The flow.  The change.  The waves.  The tide.  Allowing it to occur as it will ... believing all is as it should be.  Check in with your faith ... 

Times when you don’t know about, anything.  Leaking fear and anxiety into your chest, near your heart, in your throat.  Feelings of guilt muddled with regret, with overtones of panic and an undercurrent of fear ... like a vice grip.

With present focus on breath, accepting that there is no right answer.  Just feel beyond the emotions and to trust.  Having the courage to work with what is in the present moment and respond at best with kindness.  Beginning with self first.

Begin to enjoy the indecision to be free.  Free to all possibilities and the relief that follows.  Free to embrace the joy and peace which is tickled with lightness ... realizing faith isn’t faith until it’s all you’re holding on to.

www.walkstrong.ca

" BitterSweet … "

I'm just setting, I'm just setting a trap

And I'm not pulling, no

I'm not pulling for you, you're just pulling at me

I'm not a betting man but this is a sure thing

Everything I do is bittersweet

You could tell me secrets that I'll probably repeat

I'm not trying to hurt you, I just love to speak

I guess that's how its gotta be ...

It feels like we're pulling teeth

So bittersweet

~ Panic At The Disco! ~ BitterSweet ~

***

In a moment, time seems to stand still.  Your life as you know it is no longer as it seemed.  You are not invincible.  You are now in crisis mode.  

And now you have to share what you’ve been told.  You have to break it down to the ones you love.  Do you sugar coat it to save them the heart ache, do you pretend all is well so you don’t disappoint them.  Do you do as you always do, cry in private with shame and guilt tagging along for company.

You make the decision to tell them and you can see the fracturing happen.  Some have questions, lots of questions ... others need solitude, a time to process, to comprehend.  But you hope that  the support will be there, how can it not, they’ve known you your whole life.

But things are not as they seem ... and those that were there forever are no longer available.  Their priorities change, life gets busy, life goes on ... and you just wait for the moment that they are present.  Still waiting and I think, who knows, maybe they’ll miss me ...

And it is bittersweet when they are involved, when they are not absent.  The four words that make you cringe but you know their intentions are pure ... “how is your health?” ... arggghhh ... beggars can’t be choosers because at least they ask.  At least they have a moment when they are considering you.  And yet a thought always stays in the back of my mind ...

trust actions not words ...

Don’t be fooled when care is disguised with curiosity.  Understanding this all too well, in the past, becoming vulnerable only to be hurt with what was shared.  We’ve all been there, so how do you decide?  How do you know who to trust?

So you get hurt and you climb back into your shell.  And you lick your wounds, you get ready and you put yourself out there again.  You crave the human contact, but you wish you could script the conversations.  You wish common sense was actually common.  But you know you have no control on how things transpire, just how you deal. 

You deal, you deal like you always do.  You deal to survive.  You deal to thrive.  And you stop looking outside for affirmation.  You realize it doesn’t what they say or don’t say.  You realize that what they think of you is none of your business ... and so you breath a little easier, you sleep a little deeper and you know that all is well as it is because it is as it should be.

" Where do we go from here ... "

We're at the crossroads my dear

Where do we go from here

Maybe you wont go maybe you'll stay

I know I'm going to miss you either way

Its such a lonely road

Usually not the kind of girl who's lost and looking for direction

Who could this be staring at me

When I'm looking in the mirror trying find the resolution

Were to far gone to find our way home

Where do we go from here ...

Follow the tracks of my tears ...

~ Alicia Keys ~ Where do we go from here ~

***

You know the saying “think before you speak”, well is it just a quote?  I ask because it is so hard to practice.  Sometimes when you make a spontaneous decision, you look back at the consequences and have regrets.  So how do you limit the consequences ... by learning to think before you act. 

Just think about it ... a strong opinion, the tone of voice, the look across the table, body language ... anything that can set you off to think you are being judged.  And instantly you react.  Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.  But is it true or is it your own insecurity?  And is it necessary?

The art of conflict is just that ... an art.  Some are good at it others not so much.  It can provide clarity or complications.  It can resolve issues or create new ones.  Nothing test our character like an emergency or crisis.  It is moments like these when our reactions or actions becomes increasingly crucial to the outcome.

And really can’t the whole spectrum of human behaviour can be put between two bookends of action and reaction.  Everything we do is either one or the other ... spaced out by time.  We fluctuate between the two with degrees of control of ourselves or the situation.  

The more we shift towards action, the more we are in control.  

We are decisive and have purpose.  

We know what we want and how to get it.

The more we shift towards reaction, the more we are being controlled.  

Reaction is an effect that follows a cause.  

It lacks decisions with clear thought and is selfish.

Being single-minded in one’s goal should not lead to being close-minded to everything else.

When it feels that the problems just keep coming and there is never an end to the troubles that plague us, where do we go from here?  

Finding the root cause.  Effects are seldom aware of the causes that trigger them because troubleshooting can provide immediate solutions to apparent symptoms but what’s to prevent it from showing up again.  

“It’s like putting a finger through a leaking hole to stop the whole dam from collapsing. Soon enough another leak breaks and before you know it you’ve used up all your fingers.”

Fear, panic, anger, envy, jealousy, false pride lead us to say and do now and regret later because they provide us instant relief to our pain.  A thoughtless comment from you sets off biting remarks from another which in turn irritates you to the point of doing something rash and the other person naturally retaliates.  Down the line it becomes a full blown hostility and neither of you probably don’t remember what started it in the first place.

When it feels that the problems just keep coming and there is never an end to the troubles that plague us, where do we go from here?  

Pause, reflect and take a deep breath.  Then ask yourself ... what am I doing and why am I doing it?  We can only take control of a situation when we take control of ourselves.  

Understanding the self is a start.  When you know who you are then you know what you want and from there clear decisions and productive actions follow.  Obstacles become secondary and are details that simply need to be worked out instead of main concerns that preoccupy our mind and dictate our every move.  Acting involves making a choice, reacting allows someone else to do that for you.

“A tactician may only see the battle in front of him, 

a strategist sees the whole battlefield.”

But we are only human.  And we will probably find ourselves in situations where we are forced to react.  There will be times when we can’t help but give in to a negative emotion.  But there is always an opportunity to start again.  It is whether or not you have the will to do so.

So instead of feeling like a failure when you make a mistake, use the failure as a tool to take back control of your life.  Do not make excuses and allow your failures to be reasons to continue making mistakes.  Just deal the best way you can and accept it does happen ... the more shocking your circumstances, the great the opportunity to learn ॐ

" Deal ... "

Since it cost a lot to win
and even more to lose
You and me bound to spend some time
wondering what to choose

I been gambling here abouts
for ten good solid years
If I told you all that went down
it would burn off both your ears

It goes to show you don't ever know
Watch each card you play
and play it slow
Wait until your deal come round
Don't you let that deal go down
Don't you let that deal go down, no
Don't you let your deal go down

~ Grateful Dead ~ Deal ~

***

When crisis hits your life, how do you cope, how do you deal?  Is your environment filled with calm or chaos, logic or heart, optimism or pessimism?  Oceans of emotions to choose from ...

Yet if I am completely honest, there is something really annoying about getting sick because there is never a good time for it.  We all have “things to do” and really it just messes with your life plan.  So when diagnosed with cancer, your life departs from coffee & dinner dates, travel plans, social activities and eating whatever, whenever you want ... to doctors, tests, rest, research, dietary restrictions, medications ... it is just downright inconvenient!  

With almost 21 months of the Gerson Therapy under my belt, I am managing my cancer and I am researching and learning more about how to help my body heal in the best way possible ... especially through the dark, rough moments.

open source cure ...

Which led me to this amazing video and website by Salvatore Iaconesi.  Salvatore is 39 year-old data artist has been diagnosed with brain cancer.  He is seeking a cure but not in a traditional way.  Salvatore is calling for an “open source cure”.  He decided to crack his own files and create an open format that anyone who want to can read them.  CT scans, MRIs, laboratory notes, etc are available on his website, La Cura.  His intentions ... we use these records in whatever way we want to and creatively.

Personally I feel that Salvatore’s request shows how we as a society can embrace all forms of healing in addition to medical advice.  Marrying the two for truly healing.  He suggests that we can “create a video, an artwork, a map, a text, a poem, a game, or try to find a solution to my health problem.  He welcomes “artists, designers, hackers, scientists, doctors, video makers, musicians, writers.”  

going beyond the walls of hospitals and physicians’s offices ...

What Salvatore does is places the ultimate challenge on us to use his personal medical information plus imagination to create something of meaning in response to his diagnosis.

 offer something of value to an individual who is confronted with the ultimate existential situation, 
one that most of us would prefer to ignore ...

Perhaps a daunting task for some who are facing the same situation and have been told there is no medical cure.  But maybe there is another version of a “cure”.  Personally, living life on my own terms with a sense of peace, grace and gratitude regardless of the prognosis ... living wholeness as a person with cancer.  For all this, I am so grateful to Salvatore who allows me to travel in his journey of trauma and loss while experiencing the transformative potential within myself.