" Where Are You? ... "

Hey you

Have you felt like this before?

You got style but ain't got soul ... 

Is there no future in sight?

Oh is it different now? Is it different?

Come on

Where are you? Where are you?

I'm kicking and screaming ... 

But this could be the best day, of my life

The best day of my life

~ Our Lady Peace ~ Where Are You?

***

It’s been some time since I blogged.  Really it’s been some time since I’ve done much at all.  It’s been a rough time, but I am here.  The last 2.5 weeks or so I’ve been sick ... 

severe nausea, headaches, fever, wooziness, sleepless nights, out of sorts, and well basically not myself.  

First and foremost, Russell has been my rock, my Mom and Dad have been my foundation and my sister and bro-in-law have been my pillars.  I cannot even think of how I would have gotten through it all without any of them by my side.  And thanks to my beautiful friends Ally and Vanessa, letting me know that I am not alone, they are there for me, praying and holding me up, supporting me ... 

After a few panic attacks, not my proudest moments, test results, which came back normal, and plenty of doctors appointments and consults with my team of doctors here and in Mexico ... I am slowly getting back to before all this.  So, what is all this ... looks like a virus or bug of some sort.  And it hit me extremely hard.  The symptoms are still present but not has strong ... and what I couldn’t understand was how this could be happening?

With almost 16 months on the therapy, I’ve been extremely fortunate to have minor flare ups ... or healing reactions/crisis.  So it is scary when you are not fully aware if what you are experiencing is a major healing crisis or a disease crisis.  No thanks to dr.Google ... there is a lot of wrong information out there.  You truly have to be find out for yourself.  And that is the frightening part.

I was under the assumption that since I am building up my immune system and blogging about it ... how could I get sick?  Newsflash ... we all get sick, giving our immune system an opportunity to kick in and go to work.  Wow, this has been a time where my faith, my beliefs, and my hopes have all been tested.  Again.  And in all honestly, they continue to be.  I was hoping this would get easier, but it doesn’t.  With my anxiety and panic, on a scale of one to ten, at a 100 ... I found it so difficult to stay rational and calm.  During the time of unknown, my Dad said to me, whatever it is, face it with determination, strength and courage.  Easier said than done because many times, I seriously thought this was ...

Today has been the first day since that I wanted to blog again ... and let you know yep, still here, taking baby steps to get back to a new normal.  And during this troubling time I read something that really resonated with me that I wanted to share ...

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, 

how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, 

you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” 

♥ Haruki Murakami