" Carry You ... "

Lay down your burden I will carry you

I will carry you my child, my child

Lay down your burden I will carry you

I will carry you my child, my child

Cause I can walk on water...

Calm a restless sea

I've done a thousand things you've never done

And I'm really watching

While you struggle on your way

Call on my name, Ill come

~ Amy Grant ~ Carry You ~

***

Yesterday was an interesting day ... my parents are a 10 minute walk away and I decided to venture towards their direction in the afternoon as my mood was anxious, panicked and all around blah.  I guess I needed some parental TLC.  So as soon as I reached their home, I burst into tears.  

Ridiculous, yes, embarrassing, of course, necessary, absolutely.  

At 43 years of age, I guess I still needed my parents to tell me it’s all going to be okay.  My parents were in the middle of sorting out things for their big dinner party that night, so I am sure I didn’t really add much.  Yet, they still made time, heard my fears and put me to ease as much as they could.  I curled up on their bed and just let myself be taken are of.

My restlessness doesn’t help either and lately, my headaches are back, intermittently, and they always freak me out.  So all in all, I haven’t been a barrel of laughs to be around.  But I still carry on.  I hate the dark thoughts that occupy my mind at times.  I hate the feeling of not being safe.  I hate the feeling of wondering what’s the next bad thing that’s going to happen ... 

But I have been so lucky to have people to carry me on.  As mentioned many times before, Russell has been amazing.  He takes care of me and doesn’t complain.  Yet I know that he needs a break too ... and he won’t participate in my pity parties, he gives us space, so so wise.  And I have realized that I need to reach outside of the two of us and ask for support and help when I need it.  I guess that is what I did yesterday.  

I’ve been around my parents my whole life.  We have always lived in Calgary and in very close proximity.  I always felt that I needed to be close to them, to take care of them, to be there for them ... and I realize that I need them to take care of me too.  Especially now.  My parents brought us to Canada with very little and sacrificed a great deal for my sister and I, to have a good life, perhaps a better life than in India.  We owe a great deal to them.  We were provided for in every way including great education ... that is why it pains me to stress them with my problems.  I feel guilty pressuring them, I worry about their health as they worry about mine.  I guess a part of me feels I let them down and disappointed them once I was diagnosed.  I mean do they really need to deal with this?  Yet if you cannot share with your loved ones, who are you going to share with?  Believe me, like most families, we have quirks, but my parents presence brings me solace ... they are present, available and ready to deal with whatever comes our way.  

Remember I said the day was interesting?  Well it ended with my close friend inviting me to see the Mary Poppins production.  All I can say is it was super fun.  It brought me back to my youth as I had forgotten the story line.  Depending on what brought you to the show, there are always messages ... the main song Anything Can Happen was uplifting ... and of course who can forgot supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

I realized the whole day allowed me to feel like a child again ... happy, safe and carefree ... and regardless of what is to come, I know that there is an abundance of love and support around me.  I know I am never alone and that is something I can carry on within me.