" Numb ... "

They say life is a battlefield

I say bring it on

If you wanna know how I feel

Live it till it's gone

I'm just saying that what don't kill, only makes you strong

If you don't recognize what is real

Then forever is a long, long, long ... Time

Some things never change here we go again

Feel like I'm losing my mind

Shake it off, let it go, I don't care any more

Just go numb

You never know until you let go

Let's go numb ...

Can you feel it?

~ Usher ~ Numb ~

***

Thanks to a recommendation from a good friend, I have been reading “The Gifts of Imperfection” By Brene Brown.  Wonderful book, full of insight, knowledge and written in a very straight forward manner.  And the cool thing is that I am finding hidden gems as I read.  The recent one is about numbing.

All of us have experience vulnerability, discomfort and pain that we want to avoid.    So you may wonder why not ... why not just numb the emotions because isn’t this just another coping mechanism?

Think about it ... ... booze, food, affairs, money, work, shopping ... used to numb the pain or at least to take the edge off ... resulting in emotional numbness.  Numbing is when you are tired of fighting the feelings of anxiety, depression and just want detachment or to escape.

But according to Dr. Brown, “we cannot selectively numb emotions because when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb positive emotions”.  Well that’s not any good is it?

Severe feelings of detachment makes it hard for us to access normal feelings.  You don’t know yourself, you lose joy, love and happiness in your life and you use a lot of energy to avoid having an authentic emotional experience.

So how do you overcome emotional numbness 

and live with emotional integrity?

Personally speaking, 
I went from avoid, avoid, avoid ... to allow, allow, allow.  

Now, I respect and allow all emotions no matter what they are.  I realize that to feel and to act can be different.  I try to sort out where the emotions are coming from ... am I angry, hurt, sad, etc.  I ask for help when I need help.  And the most important for me is that I am patient with myself ... learning to trust myself again and just be me.

Also, “facing emotions is different than soaking in them until they drain you dry”.  So I stay mindful and notice that these feelings are a part of my emotional health where sometimes a brief break is purposeful and an opportunity to recoup.

You see, once you have allowed the emotions, recognizing a pattern or theme from the experience can allow you to look for meaning or a lesson to be learned.  

Believe that in our ever changing world, emotions pass and time helps.  If we learn acceptance instead of suppression we can understand that feelings are much like life waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf ...

" Shame ... "

Well there’s three versions of this story mine, 

yours and then the truth

And we can put it down to circumstance, 

our childhood, then our youth

Out of some sentimental gain I wanted you to feel my pain, 

but it came back return to sender ...

What a shame we never listened ...

And all that went away was the price we paid

People spend a lifetime this way

And that’s how they stay

Oh what a shame.

Words come easy, when they’re true

Words come easy, when they’re true

People spend a lifetime this way

Oh what a shame

Such a shame, what a shame

~ Robbie Williams ~ Shame ~

***

Something that I haven’t talked about in a while is ... shame.  We all have shame, we all live with shame.  Previously I talked about the shame when I was diagnosed but only recently am I starting to make the connection between shame, vulnerability and courage.  

Dr. Brene Brown has spent  most of her research on the above.  She has the following though-provoking video worth watching: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html, 

... and can be found on Oprah’s Soul Sunday’s series as well.  

I learned about Dr. Brown through my weekly meditation class.    We were shown the above video and there are many things that resonated with me.  The idea that we are all unique but the same as well.  We want happiness, love, forgiveness and connection.  So despite our best efforts, what keeps us from living then?

Well we are all “living” if we are breathing ... but we may not be really “living” wholehearted and fully involved existences.

“Guilt is NOT bad for you” ... Dr. Brown says that guilt occurs when we compare something we’ve done or failed to do with our personal values.  But there is a difference between guilt and shame.  Shame happens even when we don’t know it is happening, but if feels different than guilt.  

Guilt is “I am sorry I made a mistake”.  

Shame is “I am sorry I am a mistake”.

The dictionary definitions of shame "the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another... '"

But I am learning that unconscious shame is often the root cause of unfinished challenges.  Feelings of inadequacy or powerless, or great exposure can bring on shame.  Shame often comes up when we are “caught” doing, thinking, or feeling something that we and others find objectable.

A connected thought to shame that resonates with me is ... 

"Who do you think you ARE, anyway?".  

That little voice in my head recites this to me.  

My shame gremlin.

Shame is a prison because it keeps a person caged in feelings of worthlessness, self-hatred and even despair.  And there are several sources for shame ... culture, families, relationships and our own self-shaming thoughts and behaviours.  Shamed people fear that if others really knew them, they’d be disgusted or hate them.  Sadly, the basic nature of chronic or excessive shame is that the shamed person believes at some level that they should not exist.

Shame is toxic and bankrupts you spiritually.  

Guilt people fear punishment and shamed people fear abandonment.

I am learning that healthy shame tells us something is wrong in our lives and can motivate change.  I am also learning that healthy shame is temporary whereas excessive shame is not.

Next is to learn how to heal from shame, whether it be dealing with childhood wounds, grief work or giving voice to my inner child.  Integrating my disowned parts ... acceptance of ALL of my self.  

Choosing to love myself, unconditionally, is the greatest enemy of shame.  Unconditional love comes from within.  And I was told to start with reciting the following words ... "I love myself and I accept myself exactly as I am, right now, at this moment.".  And even if I don’t believe them fully yet, it is a start to healing those unfinished challenges ...