"Hungry Like The Wolf ..."

"In touch with the ground 
I'm on the hunt I'm after you
Smell like I sound I'm lost in a crowd.
And I'm hungry like the wolf.
Straddle the line in discord and rhyme
I'm on the hunt I'm after you.
Mouth is alive with juices like wine
And I'm hungry like the wolf"

~ Duran Duran ~ Hungry Like The Wolf ~

***

These days I have been so hungry, hungry like a wolf.  For those of you that have been following my wellness journey, I write about how restrictive the Gerson Therapy is.  And I just finished 5 months, on week 21 now ~ and yeah it has flown by and then not really.  Sorry probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense but I guess you have to live it to understand it.  My cravings are coming back for foods that are not necessarily healthy.  Honestly I admit this ... I am guilty of craving junk food at the moment.  And with all the knowledge I have gained on this journey, I know "Food is your Medicine, Medicine is your Food" ... but the cravings are still there *sigh*  ... why, well read on and it may fill in the blanks.

You see, the truth is I love food, I have always loved food because it has been my comfort.  And food is a part of socializing with family and friends.  Everywhere we look, read, go ... food is advertised and remember "you can't have a good time without it" ..... And back to the idea of comfort ... real comfort for all the things I didn't want to deal with - self hatred, resentment, depression, insecurity, lack of self worth and well the list goes on.  You see, growing up, it seemed I was the one that "developed" earlier than other girls.  Puberty ~ blah! .... I would tower over them and therefore came the hunchback/slouch which I still wrangle with to this day - the posture that is.  Along with this came the usual teasing which lead to feeling bad about myself, ashamed that I was different, and just wanting to fit in and be accepted.  So the way I comforted myself was to stuff my face with food.  Any type of food.  And being of east indian descent, culturally the food is very sweet, extremely savoury and very very rich.  So I would indulge with whatever I could get.  I would sneak in my pockets and bags or wait till the "coast was clear" to get more food.  This continued for a very long time.  Even after school I would come home and watch soaps or sitcoms and eat junk food, only as a appetizer to the delicious Indian meal my Mom would prepare for us.  She was none the wiser, well maybe she did notice that the junk food was diminishing rapidly and her youngest daughter was starting to look like Santa, but she still cooked her love into our food!

As we all know, life is cruel and unfair and as a girl we can be so vain.  Well we may not want to admit it, but it is true.  So the more I wanted to look like a supermodel, the more I realized I was so far away from the dream.  Instead I would look at myself in the mirror and recite horrible things and then make myself feel better by ... eating and eating and ... eating.  This continued until one day in university I heard a few gals talk about binge and purge.  I didn't understand it until I listened closer and realized - wow that is the ticket!!  I can continue to eat whatever I want and then just get rid of it later.  Genius! ... no, not really in hindsight a real sickness.  For those that know me and know me well, I have shared with them my struggle with this - I was bulimic for over 20 years of my life.  Yes, 20 years.  There, I said it and now it is in print ... *sigh* ...... I would eat whatever I wanted only to purge.  And when I purged, I was very cruel to myself.  My thoughts were so negative, and I just hated myself.  Through this ordeal, I became addicted to food and more food.  And I was using energy to get rid of it .. depleting my body of the necessary nutrients (if there were any in the food I took in) and starving.  

So now it is quite ironic to find myself on a restrictive nutritional therapy, where I am fighting for my life instead of worrying about my waistline.  And I have NO intentions of giving to these cravings, but I can dream about it ... my favourite pizza place: Coco Brooks Pizza, the new doughnut shoppe: Jelly Modern Donuts, my non-fat cinnamon dolce latte: Starbucks ... and at times Russell will indulge and I live through his experience vicariously.  But on a serious note, I will not compromise my therapy in anyway, and once I am cured and off this redundant schedule, I still won't go back to my old ways.  Because really I have to be a fool to not connect the dots.  Emotionally and physically, my bulimia contributed to my cancer.  So doing the same thing over and expecting different results is ... well insanity right?  And why tempt fate twice ... I don't wish this diagnosis on anyone and I have no intentions of living this experience twice.  So in the meantime, I "dare to dream" of the foods I once indulged on while I pleasantly eat my potatoes, soup, veggies, fruits and juices and heal my body.