" Say Something … "

... And I am feeling so small

It was over my head

I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall

I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl

And I will swallow my pride

You're the one that I love

And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

And anywhere, I would have followed you

Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something ..

~ A Great Big World ~ Say Something ~

***

I have been composing this blog in my head for a really long time now.  There are many, many things that I have considered writing here.  As the Universe always provides, I am participating in a closing ceremony as part of my meditation class today.  An opportunity to conclude and release what no longer serves us … and now it feels right to express them ...

Reflecting back on friendships, bonds and relationships that were broken and those that faded away ... my feelings are mixed as I recall the “story” of each break up.  Especially with those that are no longer in my life, as it is unfortunate that you felt the need to cut all communication off with me without fully explaining why.  I realize that you have your own reasons for that, and while there was a time when I desperately wanted to hash all of it out with you, I am no longer in that place.

Misunderstandings, miscommunication,

unrealistic expectations and human imperfections ...

Life goes on ... your unwillingness to discuss with me further solidified in my mind the things that have been in my heart for some time.  I once believed in you, and in our friendship, so strongly that I considered you family and someone who would never betray me ... you proved me wrong.

Life goes on ... I realize that I never really knew you becuase it was always an image or facade you were living up to ... you were full of lies & deciet.

Life goes on ... despite what you may believe, you know very little about who I am and where I am taking my life.

Life goes on ... I thought this friendship would last a lifetime based on what we had, but what we had was nothing more than an ends to a means for you.

Life goes on ... you expressed gratitude for having support during your dark times, yet during mine you abandoned ship.

Life goes on ... I use to hold our for reconciliation, but that has passed.  As I have learned about myself and what I want and DON’t want in my life.  And the beauty is, this decision only comes from a place of self-love, as I have realized that I am a better and stronger person without you in my life and going in a different direction.

I guess the only thing that I have left to say is THANKS.  Thanks for the years of love, laughter and friendship that you DID give to me.  I will never forget.  And I am especially grateful for your “break-up” behaviour because I realized I deserved better, much better than what I was receiving.  

Oddly, broken hearts by the ones we love can inspire us to make life-changing decisions ... awakening to what the rest of the world has to offer, far greater than ever imagined.  And so, I wish you well. I hope that life brings to you all that you desire, and may you end each day as happy with where life has taken you as I am.

" Cuts ... "

... There won't be sun on my face

And not one smile to be seen

There will be salty lemon cuts

All over every inch of me

Cause I am lost

And I am used ...

There will be ice on the moon

Glass in my eyes

Thorns in my heart

And broken bits inside ...

~ Jann Arden ~ Cuts

***

So you think you have dealt with it ... that’s why they call them old wounds.  But then something happens ... you hear a story, you see an old photo, you hear a song, or you actually see the person.  And boom, you find yourself right back to that place.  That place when you had to deal with the rejection, the hurt, and the pain.  

Don’t you believe that “time heals all wounds” or 

“this too shall pass”? 

Consider a physical cut ... this cut if not cleaned out nor applied with a salve, will probably develop an infection ... but the wound will most likely close and leave a scar.  Now, every time you look at the scar, it reminds you about the cut.  Using the same analogy, when our heart is wounded, we feel as if we have been torn open.  Now the developed scar can be seen as our anger, fear, resentment and doubt.

“healing is an active process, not a passive one”

Is it harder to deal with the one that chose to leave versus the one that naturally passed away?  Death is a part of our life cycle, but rejection is just so different.  

Looking at the meaning of healing through loss, the phrase heal comes from ... “to be whole”, derived from the belief that when we become sick, we lose our wholeness.  We have allowed something or someone to break through our wholeness.

“Returning to wholeness often means that we must somehow 

integrate what is no longer identified as a threat” ...

How do you define "threat"?  Maybe a deep scar signifying a feeling of unworthiness ... were you not good enough, strong enough or fun enough?  Although it may not sound right they seem like real thoughts, real emotions, real heartache and real threats.

Yet the wonderful thing is that life goes on ... and you start to put it all together, one piece at a time, one foot in front of the other and just move on.  Because trying to make sense of the something that doesn’t is a colossal waste of time ... realize that it is no longer a struggle or a a threat, it just IS.

Upon reflection, I believe that people come in and out of our lives all the time ... leaving to make room for the new.  So that lesson has been taught, hopefully loud and clear ... but if not, no worries, there is sure to be another cut to experience ... here's just hoping that the next time around,  you get to decide how deep it is ...